The End Of 365 Days

I've thought a lot about what my final post would be.  I wanted it to be my own words, however, I find this quote touching my soul, and perfectly fitting.  I found it in a dream. 

“Wherever You Stand, Be The Soul Of That Place” – Rumi

Hope.

Wherever I am, I shall fill it with joy, and with the love of who I am.  In that, I will fill the space with my soul. I can only hope that others will find joy in that space where my soul is.  

Faith.

I have come to understand that it is not my soul work to force the happiness and joy in others.  I can only put my love in a space, and offer it to others to share; in time, in moments, in memories, and of course, in gratitude.  My hope is for those to whom I have offered my space, they feel my soul, and are, even if in some small way, comforted and know love.  I will have faith they will return to the space where my soul is once more. 

Believe.

There are spaces where my soul flows freely.  In the laughter of children, in hands I have held, in tears I have dried, in burdens I have carried to ease pain, I have stood.  There are soul friends I have chosen, kindred spirits my soul longs for.  My gratitude for the spaces we share shall never be bound by Earthly limitations.  And when I stand in a place, no longer on this plane, my soul shall dance with them for eternity.  

Live in gratitude, seek peace and brotherhood.  Practice kindness.  Above all else...

Love, love, love. 

Stillness Will Keep

Here it is... the second last post in this project. Just me and my lap top... clackity, clackity, clackity clack.

I'm starting to wonder what I am going to do when it's done. There's only one last post to be written in my 365 Days of Gratitude. Three hundred and sixty five posts of moments, all now memories, every one filled with gratitude. Gratitude for the experience, gratitude for the emotion, for the outlet.

And despite it all, the joy, the anger, the sorrow; hasn't it all just gone on? The sun, inevitably rose. The day, unequivocally ended. One after the other, promising forward movement, onward always - passing time, with or without us.

And so now I wonder what I will do with the whispers. What attention shall I pay them if not to share them? There isn't a day that goes by, catching a phrase, or a quote, or a contemplation of thought where I don't mull it over as to put it all in verse to make it make sense.

Tonight, I caught half a conversation, and words struck me, rang into my ears and tossed over in my mind, reaching for relatability - which, really, took next to no effort.

"She has a problem being still, like she feels like she always has to be doing something. Sometimes you just need to be with someone who can enjoy the stillness." 

Perhaps it's my time to be still... but I truly doubt it. But, is that me - ever moving, rarely satisfied with stillness? I welcome moments of stillness, but certainly not a lifetime of it. It is me ... ever moving, always advocating for something, struggling to make things right, to fix, to learn, to do, to change the world - even in some insignificant way. It will not be my stillness one day that is remembered, but the remarkable things I had no fear to do. Stillness will keep.

"So bring your best. Bring your love. Bring your fearless heart and your unbounded service. This is a good world if you let it be." (~Aaron Paquette~)

And so I shall, and with gratitude and with love, in search of a fearless heart, perhaps not always at my best, but ever striving for it, letting the world be good, needing to be remarkable.

And then there was one...

Having Faith

I have faith in people who have faith.  I am grateful for people who Believe; who believe in a power higher than themselves, who believe in better places than our physical Earth.  I am grateful for people who see hope in signs, who find comfort in prayer, and know, beyond all circumstances, it will all be okay.  My gratitude falls many days on people who carry that faith.  It makes my own faith come that much easier.

My hope is that my words are not mistaken.  My praise is not to door knockers or those filled with condemnation for those who speak with a different mind or voice.  My gratefulness lies with those who "do not drag the world kicking and screaming into a new awareness", yet quietly and simply do good for the sake of good, and know, inwardly, the rewards.

Without fail, there is always someone who reminds me.  And for the reminder not only to have faith, but to do good, I am grateful.  Hold fast to humanity on our physical Earth, and have Faith that our time is fleeting.

With Gratitude.

A Mother's Love

There is someone who knows my secrets, and hears me when I talk.

Her unconditional love is unmatched, no matter how challenged.

I aspire to be the mother she is.

She has saved me, more than once.



I sat, crumbled, in the middle of the floor, hugging the carpet like it was the last thing that was keeping me alive. It was wet from my tears, and I couldn’t stop the crying. The emotion poured out of me like a dam that had broken. I hadn’t found any use in getting dressed – since life, as I knew it, was over, and I was determined that I needn’t function in society. I had, decidedly, ruined my own life with my decisions, and this sadness was my punishment. I was worthy of this pain, and, if the floor opened up and swallowed me whole, well, that would be understandable- and welcome. I cried out grief, I cried out hurt, I cried out anger. Every emotion that the great Webster had defined and listed in his dictionary spewed out of me like an erupting volcano.

I saw myself there on the floor, wondering desperately who this broken girl was. Where had she come from, and how was she to survive this kind of sorrow? What choices had she made that were so detrimental as to leave her in this puddle on the floor, wishing all the world would just go away? Oh...but she knew very well. It was clear.

A light cracked into the room, a door pushed open, and a voice rang in my ears and saved my life. I would like to say that this was my defining moment with God. That his voice rang through my ears like a song, and the Holy light people speak of filled the room... but I was too angry with God, even then, to notice the gift he sent me. That voice wasn’t his at all, or not what I would have expected... “Get up!” it barked. “That’s enough...get up.” I sat up, startled really, at the interruption of my self destruction. I sat up, and stared into the bluest eyes I know. Eyes filled with love, and a necessary strictness that I know now, most likely, almost killed her... It may not have been the God...but it was my Mother.

“Get up off the floor. That’s quite enough. Look at yourself. It’s noon. You are not dressed, you look like hell, and I will not let you break. This is your life now. This is what you have chosen. It’s time to face it, and move forward. You get ONE day. One day to wallow, one day to cry. Your day is half over. Cry more if you must, but it’s not going to make the hurt stop- not right now. By the time I get back, you will be showered and dressed – and you will not be on the floor. You may crawl up in a blanket on the couch and lay there feeling sorry for yourself until the day is over. But when that sun rises tomorrow morning, that’s it....one foot in front of the other, and move forward."

And then... I got up off the floor.





I am grateful for my momma.

Some Beautiful Things Come From Broken Pieces

Some things I know how to fix.

And some things I don't.

And sometimes I get lost in the difference.

Once shattered, forever scarred, still beautiful.

Grateful.