Six And Then Five

I am down to the wire.  Six posts left, after this one, five.  I have been looking back a lot lately.  Not just at these past 359 posts, but on years, and reflecting on what I have been through, what I have learned, and where I want my life to go - what I want it to be.

Someone recently said to me "perhaps the lost one is now found".  The thing is, I feel like I've "been found" for a while now, but I've been changing my path to suit my surroundings, keeping myself from living in the "found", rambling around trying to let someone rescue me... and that's not me.

And so, here I stand, once again, at this cross roads, looking at the paths before me.  One of them is no longer the path less taken.  It's been walked.  It's been paced...and trampled down.  It's beaten and worn.  

There are several others in front of me if I look beyond the fear. Some familiar, some look like home.  Some edgy and dark, some new and untraveled.  And here I stand at the cross roads.

My posts have been sporadic of late.  I have been struggling with the gratitude, and putting it out there.  What  I have seen myself write is contradicting with my head, and my scarred heart screaming something else again.  It's like feeling too much, and not knowing anymore how much longer I can last.  I'm putting up walls to hold back tears.  I'm running out of emotion instead of running out on emotion.  It's no longer running away, it's choosing a direction and fighting head strong into the wind.

I am left unsure today of who wants to be part of my journey.  I am not certain of anything this morning.  I am standing at my crossroads very much alone, trying to find a way, listening to not much more than silence.  I am grateful for my own strength, knowing one of the paths ahead is filled with pain and hurt and broken pieces.

Five more posts...

I Learned...

Monday.

Ugh.

I am having a frustrated day.  Not frustrating, frustrated.  I am frustrated with life, and society, and parents.

I want to crawl back into bed so the rest of the world would just leave me alone.  My words are sharp, my patience is in short supply.  I want to write, but my own frustration is getting in my way.  So here I am.

Here I am.

Here I am, cultivating gratitude, remembering the blessings I have in my life, and things I have learned.

...learned...

After my weekend of tweenager traffic in my house, I have learned I am a better parent than many.  I have learned how lucky my children are, and that no matter how humiliating it may be to them, I will always, always care too much.

I also learned this weekend that my words of past feuds (for lack of better words today) have had a permanent impact - and for that I am not grateful.  I am very sorry that words said may have altered someone's thoughts.  I am going to take some steps to make this better - and for learning to do that, I am grateful.

I learned my children have beliefs of their own.  This is a hard one for me in many ways.  I always wanted my children to chose their own path, but I always had faith that they, well, would have faith. I admire their ability to learn and decipher and choose, and I am grateful for the free will I have instilled in them, but I must admit, I struggle...

I learned, for those who know what this means, that I am not the only one who cares so much, even when, perhaps, I shouldn't.  I have a gratitude for that not many would understand.

I learned that I am over-prepared for the worst - always.  Interesting.

Look at everything I learned... how could I not be grateful?  Even if it is Monday.

All Dressed Up & Snow Place To Go

Time together at the table, crafting the most adorable snowmen EVER; no games, no TV, no devices...just crafts.  Really, really adorable crafts. Grateful. 

All dressed up, and snow place to go... 

I Love You More

I love you more.

I say it all the time.  I love you more.

Not I love you more in the "no, I love you more...no, me...no, I love you...no, I love you more", want to throw up from the cavity inducing sweetness in my mouth, must be stuck mentally at fifteen, kind of way.  You're not hearing me right.

I love you more.

I love you more than I ever expected I was capable of.  I loved you yesterday, and days before.  And I don't just love you still; I love you more.

I love you more every day, in every smile.  I love you more for everything you are to me.  I love you more for every moment we share, for every single time the stars shine brighter because of who we are when we are together.  I love you more, you see.  I love you more, when you love me more.  And I know you do.

So every time I say it, every time I love you more, never think for one second that I am wrong.  It's just not possible.  I love you more.

More.

Grateful. ♥

Free Night

It's Monday.  Mondays are always busy, busy in our house, and oh my gosh, I cannot believe I have not posted about this before... it is truly one of my favorite things!

FREE NIGHT!

Monday is the night where, normally, I do not cook.  I am free of cooking, and everyone else is free to eat whatever they cook for themselves.

It started because of the busy schedule.  We all ended up throwing something together quickly, usually in between volunteering and lessons or a meeting etc.  I just didn't have time between after work mom-taxi and evening schedules to cook for everyone.  It turned out as a good lesson.  My family, on occasion has to rely on themselves.  They must cook for themselves, clean up after themselves, and most gratefully of all, they must not rely on me to get it done.  :)

It has been years since Free Night started, and as young teenagers, my children know how to cook and clean for themselves.  There is no sitting around waiting for someone to do it for you.  In fact, if on another night I am running like a chicken with it's head cut off, my kids will so wonderfully come into the kitchen and make my day by saying "free night?"  Heck yes.

Monday Free Night... Grateful!

...and for this one, every meal, if given the opportunity, would include corn on the cob... 

Selective Amnesia

I am having days where my thoughts run together.  They busy my mind.  They make me twisty.

I didn't ever know that someone could capture it quite as exactly as this beautiful artist did...and I am grateful.

Selective Amnesia - Ana Correal

Grateful for the talent of Ana Correal, grateful for the stories her art inspires me to write, and grateful for my own selective amnesia.  Some days, it's the only way I can bear myself. 

Intervention Prevention

Have you ever sat down to watch an episode of Intervention, and thought of how grateful you are that isn't your life?

Yeah....me too.

Intervention marathon today...grateful, grateful, grateful...

Time Doesn't Always Heal Wounds

There's part of me that wonders if this part of me will ever heal.  I don't even know how to describe it...  In fact, here I sit, staring at the screen, wondering how.

It's that piece that empties quickly.  That piece that is terrified all the time.  It's the piece that remembers what alone is like.  Really alone I mean.  Not the sit in a quiet place and have a glass of wine and soak it up for a bit alone, but the late at night, aching alone.

Aching.  Insecure, deep fear, close to panic, ache...

It's the result of the sudden end of things.  When you didn't see it coming, but when it was over, it was tragic. It's forever changing... and I mean that it changes you - forever, not in constant turn over, but the eternal soul imprint kind of way.  It's the attempt to remain.  The trying to mend the hole that keeps fraying and tearing like an over stretched sweater, and you keep pulling it closer and tighter, only to let more holes in.

Gah... rambling.  Alone.

I've done my share of leaving.  Part of me says maybe the open wound is my karmatic retribution for it.  The reasonable part of me, the faith filled part of me doesn't believe in karmatic hurt - only learning, and in the learning, healing.  And in the healing, cultivating gratitude.

And so here we are... seeking gratitude, fighting the ache, the fear, and the alone - without valid reason.

As I said, I wonder, often, if the fear ever heals.  Does anyone get this...at all?

Rambling with gratitude...

Like A Spa...But Not So Much.

Sometimes, at the end of the day, you just need ten minutes...

Or seven even.

To just sit, with no one asking anything of you.

Where not even the radio works.

Just sit.

That's right.

Grateful for the car wash.

And it smells good too. 

Like a spa, only not so much. 

Every Road Leads to Home

"I'll see you when I see you."

He never says good bye.

In love, and Grateful.

Remember

On eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, Faith of our Fathers, Band of our Brothers, remember why you have the freedom you have today. Be mindful, wear your heart on your sleeve, and love your country. ♥

With gratitude and the deepest respect. 

Sparkling Silence

As far as I can see is covered in snow.  This cold, heavy, lifeless snow.  I am stuck in frozen quiet.

I am stuck in sparkling, shimmering dust.

There are worse places I could be.

And so here I am... stuck in sparkling quiet.

Grateful?

Intuition

I made some decisions yesterday by following my gut.  Feeling my way through it, trusting in myself.  I held the thing in my hands, rolled it around, examined the nicks, let it shine for a bit, followed my heart, and let it roll.

Turned out pretty good.

Grateful for intuition, for no else decides my fate.

Too Close

Yesterday, I was one second and literally inches away from a very serious car accident.  I actually cringed as I watched, almost in slow motion, a truck stop inches from my drivers side door, sure I was about to be in the most pain I had ever felt in my life.  It was a surreal moment.  The world slowed, and my reaction doubled.

You see, as I watched it all, somehow, my body knew to put my foot to the floor, pressing the gas pedal to get me out of the way.  It was like dodging a bullet in The Matrix.  I could see every second of all three that could have changed my life.  One more second... it makes the hair on my body stand on end, my temperature cools, and my thoughts flash.

I went to bed last night giving gratitude to God for being alive, for being unscathed, for being, for no fathomable reason - out of the way.  I woke up this morning, still giving gratitude for waking up in my bed.  I was grateful to put on my clothes, to wake up children, to make my breakfast and to venture out again this morning.  I spent countless moments in appreciation.

For every angel that got me out of the way; for every guardian that wrapped it's arms around me, for every essence of Creator that held that moment - the utmost gratitude seethes out of my being.

In thinking of it all, something else became quite clear to me...I am meant for something still to come.  There are important things I have left to do that are going to change lives.

I am a huge believer in the theory "when it's your time, it's your time".  It's not my time.  I am far from done.  Creator held a moment.  I will not take that for granted.  Ever.

With a life filled with gratitude...

And love.

p.s... Gram - I know you were there.  Thank you.

Watching Water Drops

Today was one of those "whole lotta not much" days.  Busy with little things, and moments of quiet things.

And sometimes, the moments of quiet things, where the rest of world goes silent, make all the difference in the perspective of one's day.  Like water drops rolling off the leaves in a warming day.  Grateful.

Samhain & All Souls Day

Yesterday welcomed Samhain, the ending of summer and the putting to bed of the Earth for winter approaching.  It was a day of oddities, confidence, opportunity, and peace.  For the day of Samhain, filled with newness, I am grateful.

For ever changing seasons, newness and Earth I offer up my gratitude. 

Today brings a day for souls.  All Souls Day rests upon us.  I open myself to the peace that is rest for souls.  I give gratitude for guidance, for lessons and for resonance of those who have left our plain, but never our hearts or thoughts.

On this day for all souls, remember... "you are a Soul.  You have a body."  Honor your own soul as you celebrate others.

With gratitude.

Namaste.

Welcome November

"How do you know? she said & the answers fell like feathers, or the first snowflakes of November, light & without words. I looked in her eyes & smiled. You just know, I said."

~StoryPeople~

Grateful for November.  I welcome you with open arms, I have been watching you for a whole month now.