Free Flowing Thought

I had a thought last night.  It was a good one.  This happens all the time.  I lay down, get in that really comfortable place and let my mind wander, and all these thoughts freely flow in and out of my head.  A hundred times I have promised myself - "I will remember that in the morning, and I will write about that".

Never happens.  By morning I forget what the fantastic thought was.

But last night...last night the thought was so profound to me, that I grabbed my phone and jotted it down in the notes (hello first world problem - no more pen and paper by the bedside?).  I found gratitude in not only writing down the thought before it left me, but also in the tools (and yes, had there been a pen and paper available I would have written it down - none the less, my phone won out).

Oh. And the thought?  Well it's actually still lingering.  I would love to hear some feedback on it, but in wanting feedback, I am wondering if I just want to know that I am not so alone in my thinking.  Huh...

The thought:  Do you ever feel like you are not where you are supposed to be on your life path, but where you are is a direct result of the decisions you made in an attempt to rectify the same burning feeling in the past?

Free-flowing thought...Grateful.

Beautiful Chaos

I am trying desperately, tonight, to give voice to my heart.  But the thing is, it's all just beautiful chaos right now, and I can barely find the words.

The chaos is lighted, hence the beauty.  It's life.  It's being alive.  It's having family.  It's having a home, it's love in all of it's facets.  It is choosing my battles.  It is the fight.

It's beautiful chaos, filled with gratitude.

Unconditional Love

I love unconditionally.

I forgive.

I understand life with a knowledge I am proud of.

I do not cultivate nor harbor hate.

I have raised my children to be human beings I am proud of.

I live with respect for life, and those around me.

And for all of this, I am grateful.

I am also grateful for the reminders that flash in front of me, and for the reminder of each person's path of learning.  Don't carry what isn't yours.

Right. Got it.

Grateful.

Autumnal Equinox

The Earth is aglow with Autumn Bliss.  And I felt the need to join it.

Here's to you Mother Earth... with great gratitude for this, my favorite season.

For every creature, every branch.  For every scent filling the air, for every warm breeze...

Wishing you all a peaceful Equinox and Love.

Malteser

I was missing my friend today, so I stopped by and brought her one of her favorite treats.

She greeted me with one of those hugs.  Those genuine, real friendship hugs.  *Favorite*.

And when I left, I still smelled of her perfume.

Grateful for the linger, grateful for the smile.

Grateful for her.

Jets In The Sky

This autumn night

With jets in the sky

And a sun burning up the horizon

A crescent moon hanging in a waxing sky

The land hushed with it all

And a moment to breathe

Grateful

Snooze

I have always wanted to be one of those people.

Those morning people.

Who get up and have coffee while reading the paper, and watch the morning sun.

(I am that person when I am in the mountains...)

 (reminder...)

But every other day, every regular day,

I am not.

Instead, every morning, I am the person who gives gratitude

For the snooze button

And the warmth of the sweet spot.

 (reality...)

Sunsets

 This moment...

Grateful. 

Chasing The Bear

Everyone who knows me well knows I have a love for bears.  They are a symbol of innate power to me.  

• Because the bear is cautious, it encourages discernment to humankind.
• Because of a fierce spirit, the bear signals bravery to those who require it.
• Because of its mass and physical power, the bear stands for confidence and victory.
• Because it prefers peace and tranquility (in spite of its size), Bear calls for harmony and balance.

I'm pretty sure I was a bear in a former life, and carry it with me a totem in this one.   ;)

~

I have a new ritual.  Every trip where I head to the mountains in our backyard, I commemorate my trip with a bear carved out of stone.  

It started in the spring when the the kids and I went to Banff.  It was part of our shopping.  It's an adventure, going in and out of the shops, searching for the perfect bear for that trip - an adventure I am grateful for.  The time spent in the search is more valuable than the find itself.

"A bear lifted me up so I could see all the Earth..." (Full Mouth, Crow)

And isn't it a funny thing that I always see more of the Earth from a point in the sky 
when I am chasing the bear. 

The Bench

In the Jasper Townsite, they have benches.  The benches are everywhere.  They line the streets, they are in walk ways, in the park.

I have decided this:  They are for regaining strength.

Sounds simple, doesn't it.  But it's much more than you may think.

You see, last year, at a very stressful time, my dear friend, Tanya and I took a day trip to Jasper to get away.  In that day, we sat.  We sat on one bench.  For three hours.  Un'Amica Stretta.

Three.  Hours.  Just sat.  Talked, people watched.  Melted stress.  Regained strength.  

So this year, we took our kids to Jasper.  We wandered the town, in and out of stores, laughing and chatting in a big group.  And every time we passed by, Tanya and I would say "there's our bench".  

Our kids were very confused.  We tried to explain to them what just sitting on these benches does for your soul, but, really, for a kid, "you just sat?  For hours?  Whyyyyyy? How boring!"

So, last night, at the end our trip, and our last hike, I took my kids back into the Jasper Townsite.  We went to Scoops, had ice cream, and sat on a bench.  We talked about our favorite things.  We wondered about the people sharing our space that moment in the park.  We watched people walk by in wonder at the beauty.  We guessed ages of buildings and what they might have been once.  We renewed our souls.  We regained our strength.  

We stood up from our bench, ready to head home, and my kids said "Mom, I totally get the bench."

Grateful.  No more words. 

Paradise By The Dash Board Lights

A day of hiking, laughter and amazing friendship.

Top off an extraordinary day with an extraordinary night, on top of a mountain, soaking in the hot springs.

Warm, steamy, natural waters, caressing muscles.  I attribute every ounce of no muscle pain the next day to this one hour.  We watched the day light dim into night from the hot pool.  So grateful.  

And on the way back to the lodge, with very quiet children... the music plays.

And two best friends belt out Paradise By The Dash Board Lights all the way down the mountain. 

Un'Amica Stretta, smiling, soothed children.

My cup runneth over.

Old Fort Point, Japer

A seven kilometer hike, gaining an elevation of 3805 ft, to Old Fort Point overlooking all of Jasper.

Sweaty.  Short of breath.  Out of shape!

I forced myself to climb this rock in front of me (ok, a lot of prodding and "get up here"s from Brody), to this...

...grateful for the prodding despite the elevation butterflies...

And hiked onward, and upward.  Some of us, a little easier than others. 

Seriously?  They are skipping...

Did I mention the gain in elevation of 3805 feet? 

The hill crests.  And you climb up... all the way to the top, just to say you did, and you turn around and see this...

Exhilarating, Breath taking. Satisfying. 

Grateful.

And I would hike this path a thousand more times to sit on top of the world, and look down on this treasure.  

We did it. 

Morning Tea In The Mountains

It's just after seven.  The sun has yet to crest over the peaks of the mountain.  The air is crisp, and cool.  Wrapped up in a sweater, with a cup of tea in my hands, I could stand here forever... or at least for the morning.  Or a number of mornings.  I wonder how many people take this for granted? 

Good morning, mountains.  I'm glad you called. 

With Gratitude.

Teeth and Faces

This is the time of the night when it starts.

The laughter.  The giggling.  The things they forgot to tell each other throughout the rest of the day.

This is the time where my pretty girl brushes her teeth and washes her face, and my handsome boy lingers at the bathroom door waiting for his turn.  It doesn't seem to matter that there's two other bathrooms unused in this house.

They tease each other with hugs and jokes, and with no one watching, they just really enjoy each other's company.

I have been blessed with children who truly enjoy being siblings.  They don't fight, they rarely bicker, and their love for each other is unmatched.  They have the relationship I had always wanted with my own sibling and never had.  I am so grateful they have a friend in each other, and that nothing in the whole world could ever come between them.

I am grateful for the nine o'clock hour every night, and for the siblings lingering in the bathroom.

Now if I could just get them to rinse out the sink when they are done...  ;)

Wishing you the purity of such a friendship.

Silent Noise

My ears are thudding tonight, reciprocating every single sound like tornadoes against drums.

Tonight, once again, I am grateful for dim salt lamps, and the irony of the silent noise in this room.

There are memorials around the world tonight, words of remembrance and hopes of peace.  There are tears and still unmended broken hearts.  And among it all, there is an eerie lack of attention to an event that changed the world.  Perhaps it's a sign of moving on.  Maybe a decade and year is the presidential prescribed time for healing.  Seems odd with all the fighting still going on... Wouldn't we all be grateful to see an end.

Today was a reminder to be excited for all the tiny moments that I get to celebrate.  Be excited to plan a trip, be happy you have someone to miss, be thrilled for the longing.  Rejoice in bed time kisses, and wallow in hugs and I love yous.  My world carries on, and I am grateful to be alive and well in it.

Be grateful for the struggle.  It means your still alive to fight.

A Lucky Break

I read a funny little diddy once, I think of it often.  It was about a man who prayed and prayed to God "please Lord, just let me win the lottery."  Every day and every night this man got on his knees and begged his God.  He went for weeks, months and even years praying to win, and never won a penny.

After years of his begging, pleading and prayers, the Lord took pity on the man.  As he kneeled in his prayer,  this man heard the voice of his God.   "In order to win the lottery, you must but a ticket".

I give gratitude for verses such as this when I fall into the mood I am in.  I am thankful for the lesson to give myself the opportunity to win the lottery.  

I found myself, many a time in the past few weeks and months, begging for the lottery so to speak.  I have been drowning myself in prayer of change and new beginnings.  I feel that I have bought the proverbial ticket, and I am just sitting around waiting on the power ball...

But I also find myself wondering tonight why I can't feel the need for fulfillment without this looming guilt of ungratefulness?  It is not that I am ungrateful for what I have or the circumstances I live in.  Goodness knows my life is golden in it's first world problems comparatively.  I don't need or want more.  I seek a fulfillment and satisfaction in my personal being and a path to take without having to forge one every single time on my own.  That is the lottery I seek - just a lucky break.  The right time, at the right place.  Some sort of opening in time that rings the bell telling me "this is your moment!".  Come on, God... I've bought my ticket.  

Night Lights

I decided to take a drive tonight to attempt to capture a picture.  I've always wanted to catch that moment.  That moment of recognition.  Of coming home.

So I drove out... and away... just far enough.

I turned around and headed towards home.

I crested the hill, and the lights of the town started to sparkle in the dusk.  Home.

I found a safe spot and pulled off the highway.  My truck was humming of warmth, and the smell of coffee mixed with autumn air when I opened my door.  The soft lull of music whispered from the windows.

As I stood and took this picture, memories flooded me.  I remember when I moved away for a time to learn some lessons about being on my own.  I remember being crazy lonely for home, and my mom coaxing me back to town.  When I would drive into town at night, cresting this hill always brought tears to my eyes.  It was the coming home.  Oh, I was grateful for the return.  

Even as a child, late night trips home from a visit, the lights across the highway would dance a welcome, promising home was just over the next hill.

And even now, with people rushing away, or trudging up a hill. the lights promise home is just around a bend.  

With gratitude and night lights.

Celebration Date Night.

Date night.

Back to school celebration.

Dinner, shopping, a stop at the animal shelter, ice cream dessert.

I am the luckiest mom in the world.  I am so grateful for these amazing humans that share my life... and my soul.

No one will ever know the strength of my love for you.  

After all, you are the only ones that know what my heart sounds like from the inside. <3

One Word Wednesday

Kinship

Still Blooming!

I started the autumn clean up of my flower beds, but really, I was surprised (and grateful!) at how much I have still blooming and wants to be left alone in the sun for a while!

And in the spaces that needed to be filled... I am grateful for autumn decor :).

Trepidation

It's early in my house.  It's quiet.  

There are others still asleep.  I wonder what they dream about.  I worry about their nightmares.

Thoughts come freely to me at hours like this - sitting alone in this solace.  I ponder about things that are, and how they came to be.  I take a good look at myself and this life and put thought into it, and stir it all, brewing it in a big pot.  Is this....?  What is...?  How did it...?

I wonder about the thoughts of others as their feet hit ground this morning...and I wonder if I will ever hear them.  

The day lies before me.  A day of raw emotion and being very aware of how close to the brimming surface the emotion is; wanting recognition and the need to exhaust this trepidation - not with guilt, but endurance. 

 

Oh for my thoughts to be as quiet as the house at this hour would be a thing of gratitude; to be effortless in my will... 

"It is not what you think, this reaching across the generations. There is no effort of will, no fierce glare in the face of the sideways dance of everyday. There is only the quiet house each morning, filled with soft breathing while you hold your tea in the cool air & always that moment when your love spreads a cloth upon the table & invites the whole day in again."

Expectation

I. Am. Over-full. 

Tonight, I am grateful to be able to just breathe through it all, and hold all expectation of what's to come. 

Expectation is the starting point of all disappointment, however ambition is the last refuge of failure. 

For now, just breathe.