Now What

It seems that everyone around me is dealing with some kind of affliction; depression, anxiety, weight issues, self esteem issues, family drama.... I read about it, I listen, I converse... and I think to myself, "wow dude, you got it pretty good".

I'm going to let my ego take a bow here for a second, and say my life is a product of my own choices, and I own that.  I could be dealing with a lot of the same.  Hell, lets be honest, some days I do.  But for the most part, my life is pretty great.  I have taken my own afflictions and used them as lessons, and I still do, and I am grateful.  

I am not here to sing "la tee da" about my life and or "neeneer my life is better than yours".  That's not at all it.  I am simply going to say I am grateful for the lessons - and I have had my share of all of the a fore mentioned grief, but my deep dark secret (it seems to be a day to share them), the thing that hinders me the most... is boredom, and a little something I call "Now What Disease".

I went to college - pre-law even.  Got bored.  Now what...

I got married... Now what...

I had babies... Now what...

I got divorced, moved away...learned a hell of a lot... Now what...

I wrote and published two books - fulfilling a life long dream and accomplishing that goal.  There was a book signing at Chapters -everything I dreamed... and still. my brain said "Now what?"  This shocked me.  It actually sent me reeling for a long time.  I took so much satisfaction in making it to that signing table... I accomplished my life long goal at 33... Now what do I do?

I fell in love, got married again, fought battles, learned... now what...

Gained weight, lost weight, gained weight... and?

Struggled with anxiety...still do some days... and?

Raising teenagers...

Trying to find the right career path...

Writing (and oddly with no desire to struggle with publishers)...

Is there ever an end to the Now What?

Every "now what" was the end of a lesson and the beginning of a new one. 

So, now what?

Auspiciously grateful...

One Word Wednesday

Clarity

Passing On A Gift

The end of the school year is very near.  It's the last time I will have a little one in elementary school.  I'm very sure, just like the last day of every year before it, I will shed tears, as another school year has gone by.  When my kids ended their first year in school, my kids and I did year end projects for the teachers.  They painted flower pots, and planted seeds, and I wrote a little story, put a favorite picture of my child on it, printed it on scrolls, and sent it along with the newly planted seeds.  I have used this project for a few teachers, and as elementary school passes, I realized, I won't be using it again.

And so, I am going to offer it up to you, or anyone else out there that might be touched by it, and would like to pass it along.  I was sad to see this project end, but grateful for the opportunity to pass it along.  I write so other's read it... and so it is.

 

For My Teacher At The End Of The Year

“It’s the end of the year”,

Mom said in my ear.

She smiled real soft

With a memory and tear.

To choose something dear

That you will hold quite near,

To remember my smile,

Well it took quite a while!

I remembered a story about a spirit one time,

That got her wings each time a bell chimed.

But there was no point to buy you a bell,

You’re already an angel, from heaven you fell.

I sought out a book for people I treasure,

But you are a gem, one girl beyond measure!

I glanced at some little knick knacks of sorts,

I even passed an isle of fishing and sports.

But nothing there seemed just quite right,

So I thought real hard while I laid in bed at night,

Of all of the things I’ve learned through the year,

I came up with the perfect thing, and I cheered!

I took my idea right to my mom

And she smiled real big and said real calm

I’m so proud of you and what you will give

She’ll remember it always, as long as she lives.

Today, here I stand, with some dirt in a pot,

At first glance you might think that it seems not a lot.

But there’s a gift, something hidden you’ll see,

That grows with some love, just like the kids here and me.

You taught us patience, you’ll need that to wait,

To see these small seeds grow into something so great.

You’ll need to use senses to see and to smell

And each day that they change, there’s a story to tell.

You taught us to listen and say thank you and please,

 To have faith and ambition, to dream are the keys.

You taught us to read, to think and to write,

To open our hearts and showed us some light.

I thought I’d give back to you what you began in September,

A garden of seeds in your heart to remember.

So plant these dear flowers and watch as they grow,

And see our small faces in the wind when they blow.

You gave us a year to teach us in fun,

But so much more I have learned now that we’re done.

I can read, I can write I can soar live a dove,

And I learned it all with the gift of your love.

From the bottom of my heart, Thanks isn’t enough

To say how you touched us, it’s hard to be tough,

On this very last day, I’ll try not to cry,

I’ll love you always, miss you much, and good bye.

                                                                       (Jennifer Marcotte)

Copy it, print it, put it on pretty paper... bring it to life. Pass it on, I will be grateful.

Let The Color Back In

I wore my hair up today... and my glasses...

By the end of the day my head felt like it was in a vice.

So, tonight, that moment where I could take out my hair and let it fall, relieve (?) my eyes of being able to see... oh yes... I was very grateful for that moment.

The rush of circulation, the relaxation of the squeeze...let the color back in.

Yes. Grateful.



...

I thought about this post after I posted it.  I often have a discussion with someone about the difference between being at work, and being on our "own time".  This post is very much a metaphor for that (and I didn't even mean to!).  At work - the color drains... my time - I let the color back in.

Interesting revelation...

Pushing Back and Forcing Forward

I needed a walk tonight...

Four miles.  It was one of those I walks I said needed before I ended up on the news.

It seemed the wind was pushing me back, forcing me to work harder no matter which way I walked.

Forces pushed against me, and I forced forward.

It seems to be my niche.  Pushing back, and forcing forward.  If you just open your arms a little, it almost feels like flying...And it feels so good.

Gratefully wind swept...

(I swore I heard a cape flick...)

Wide Open Spaces

Playing ball in the field...

100% attention...

Loyal Appreciation

Pack-enabled Harmonious walk!

Wide open spaces and freedom to run...

Grateful.

War of Opposites

Black ... White

There ... Here

Angry ... Content

Dark ... Illuminated

Rotting ... Growing

Blame ... Responsibility

Past ... Future

Backwards ... Forwards

Wallowing ... Acceptance

Alone ... Family

Hate ... Love

Him ... Me

Over it. 

Grateful.

Family Matters - Deal With It

This is my God Daughter and my Niece.

I am grateful she still loves her Auntie, and for wanting some truth, and for the trust and faith she has in my love for her.  I am grateful for her smile, and grateful she asked to see me. 

She is my family, and I am grateful she remembers that. 

p.s.  To those of you who don't like it - I don't care. I am a better person than you. Deal with it. 

One Word Wednesday

Lost :(

Chickadee -dee-deee

It's a beautiful Monday morning.  I love long weekends (more than grateful).  Coffee on the deck, birds chattering, bumble bees busy, lawns being mowed... a soft breeze and sunshine.

And this gorgeous little chickadee...who has taken up in the bird house on our deck.  There's a tiny nest inside, and a beautiful tiny chickadee...and no way for camera to capture it (my guess is momma chickadee is grateful for that).

And so, I watch her for hours.  Flying, feeding, scouting... 

As I sat on the deck, I actually thought "well this isn't getting anything done"... but really, is there anything more important than this moment that I am watching?  

With gratitude...

Just A Cup Of Tea

There's a place in the day where the chores and the world stop, and there's a moment left over...

           For just a cup of tea. 

ok...maybe it doesn't stop... but it pauses for sure. 

Grateful.

Blanketed Simplicity

I had an a ha! moment with this little project last night.  I am more than half way through my 365 days.  In fact, I am nearing two thirds.  And the thing is, the more the sun shines and the warm air calls my attention, I feel so much more of a pull to become unplugged from it all; not from the lack of gratitude, but more of a longing for simplicity.

Last night, I was curled up in a chair, crocheting a huge blanket, completely content to just be.  I had no desire to do anything else but simply be.  And for that necessity of simplicity, I am grateful.

I think that the fast pace life and technological world we live in has taken something away from our lives. It has taken away our socialistic skills and pushed us to be "busy" in moments we now miss.  I have felt the evolution of my 365 day blog in the recent weeks.  I felt a pull away from it, almost a stale quality to it.  I can't see myself continuing this project beyond the year - at least not on a day to day basis.  I think it will become more of a writing tool and life experience project.  I often wonder if that will happen before the 365 days expire...and I wonder if anyone will notice.

Until then, I carry on... one blanket, or one post at a time.

...with a cherry on top.

this moment...

             because sometimes...

                                     you just need...

                                                                                                             
                                                                                                               ...a cupcake.

                                                                                                                                    Grateful.

Airplanes and Helicopters

It's been a mixed bag of emotion kind of day...one that ends with exhaustion.

The house is quiet..the silence is hanging like a wet curtain, thickening the air with a damp soberness. The helicopters and airplanes have stopped circling the fire burning just beyond us for the time being.  My head is swirling with thoughts, and again, I find myself over-full and raw with everything I feel. The sweet smell of lilies lingers throughout the hallways, a reminder of Mother's Day, and why I carry on everyday.  One foot in front of the other.

Days like today remind me to cultivate gratitude from the raw roots of my being.  Days like today remind me of the foundations of my being (or at lease a few).  A.  own your emotion.  B.  protection at any cost.  C.  when you hug someone, give them all of yourself for a few seconds, and share in the exchange of energy.  D.  Learn.  E.  Cry.  F.  See D.  G.  Return to A.  H.  Give gratitude.  I.  Carry on Forward.

The helicopters and airplanes have started again...I am grateful they fight the fire.

Until tomorrow...

Mother's Day

When my children were born, I became a mother.

And it's the most amazing thing in the world.

I learned from the most amazing women, and those before her.

Not one of us has ever been perfect...which is exactly how we learned.

So, to my mom, and those who watch us from above, to all the mother's I have learned from and those who surround me, Happy Mother's Day.

Take the day, you deserve it.  It really should be two...or three.

Love and Gratitude.

Sunshine and Fairie Gardens

It was a day for green grass, budding flowers, and newly planted petunias.

It was day where Fairie Gardens came back to life.

Where wind chimes dance in the wind, and flowers grace the rooftops and catch sunbeams...

With gratitude...

Aqua

I needed a good work out tonight, so I took it to the water.

One very good class of Aqua Pump.

I am grateful to feel the muscles that needed to work, the satisfaction of getting off the couch, and the fact that my knees do not hurt right now.

(of course it's not me... you didn't think I took a camera did you? really...)

Tomorrow, I may not be grateful when I can't lift my coffee cup...

One Word Wednesday

Rest

Only Hope

I got to thinking, after my last post, about something I wrote last year... Some of you have read it, some have not.  I have read it a thousand times, and I think it's one of my favorites.

In gratitude...Only Hope.

I can hear the rain filling already full puddles in the streets.  I can see the new spring leaves on the trees, hungry for the moisture, licking it out of mid air, depending on it, yearning for more; the Elm pushes its roots deeper into the Earth, securing it’s soul’s place, comfortably strong.  I envy the trees.

There’s a story inside of my soul, one I try to write over, and over again.  Too many days, there are no words to fill the empty sentences and pages unturned.  It churns in my belly, and eats at the edges of my nerves.  Questions haunt me like a lonely ghost knocking on the doors of places I’ve only seen in my dreams.   I seem to be locked inside my own prison, fighting myself as my own worst enemy, and I am running out strength.  My own thoughts escape as I grasp at answers.  There’s a lifeline, a rope of faith and belief slipping so quickly from my grip, my hands burn with friction and tension tugging at my very core.  If I get to the end...

My head is so full, it feels to heavy for my body.  I have tried more times than I can count to stop the worry, to stop the discontent, to stop...just stop.  So I lay my head gently down, and let the sound of the Earth fill my ears.  Even the birds have quieted in the cleansing rain, or maybe, like me, their heads are full, and it’s time to just stop – just for a moment. 

If I was a religious woman, this is the point, I suppose, that I would turn to Jesus and ask for mercy and beg for answers.  I would ramble out whys and questions I already know the answers to, making false promises for salvation from own punishment, but I am not.  I am, however, a woman of faith, and of hope, and of believing that no matter how consumed we are by the day, the sun will always rise up, and we will, inevitably put one foot in front of the other, and carry on.   I will not ask Jesus to be my solution.  I will only give gratitude to the Earth and what it has given to me, raise my chin in the light of a God that is gentle, loving and unconditional, and pray for the wisdom to be not only what others need, but for what I need in myself. 

I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray.... you, are my only hope.

There is a lot to be said for the simple solace of carrying on.  One foot in front of the other, do it again, start over, or just keep doing what you’re doing, either way, as long as your feet are moving in the right direction, and you are looking forward, we have no choice but to move in the direction we are looking.   And so I did. One foot in front of the other, eyes on the horizon.   Earth beneath me, sky above me, a balance of power I seek within my own soul. 

I watched as the last drops of rain fell from the sky. I surveyed the landscape; flowers closed, busy insects sheltered away from the showers, animals and humans hidden from the nourishment of the skies, quiet.  On the side of the house, the flowers lay flat from the rain, defeated and trampled.  I ran my hand over pedals and stems, encouraging them, gently, to get back up.  Soon the light would shine, and we could all get back up...

Sing to me the songs of stars, of your galaxy dancing and laughing again.  When my dreams seem so far, sing to me all the plans that you have for me over and over again...

 It caught my eye, as I turned away from the flattened life; the twisted strength of the vine that curled towards the sky despite the efforts of a harsh element.  Rising like a phoenix from the ashes, a picture from my own soul, filled with hope, and belief, a clematis flower, wide and wild with color, reaching out, reaching up.  Bursting from the Earth, unharnessed with life, refusing to be the damage that fell from someone else’s suggestion, that vine was my new rope of life line – my new hope for today.

To the Earth, I give unto you, my destiny.  I’m giving you all of me, and when it all seems too much, I will lay my head gently down, lift my hands and pray, for you are my only hope. 

And so I sit, with a story to write in my soul, and I write it over and over again, wondering endlessly of who can read the words on my page...

Never Alone, Even When Lonely

I don't do religion.  I mean, I don't do the organized, judgmental hoobala of it all.  I believe what I believe and that's all there is to it.  I don't go to church, I have a very different definition of Christian.  I believe - and to me, that's all that matters.

I once read a phrase that said "what if the only things left in the world when you wake up tomorrow are the things you thanked God for today?"  And so every night, no matter what mood I am, I say thank you to Creator for the things that I need tomorrow morning.

I am grateful for the shoulders that are never too full, for the heart that always listens, and for the soul that never leaves mine when it's alone.

Do justly love mercy and walk humbly with your God, whoever that might be.

Tonight, it's just that moment with my God, and dealing with the lonely.

That's all.

Young and Restless

There is an article I read today in Alberta Venture magazine.  The article was titled "The Young and Restless".  It sums up the career slump I am in nicely.  It does so for others I know that are frustrated in their job that is simply a paycheck, where no one really cares if you care.  Some of us are ingrained with caring.

"...they are looking for something more meaningful. They really want to feel engaged at work.  They want to feel valued. ...this is a generation that's looking to do more than punch a clock.  More than anything, this is a generation that wants to feel that what they do contributes to something."

Exactly.

Wouldn't it be nice if those of us that genuinely care about how we spend our days, about the integrity of our work, about what we put in and what we get out, had a big flashing neon sign above our heads so those rare employers that seek us could pick us out and welcome us with open arms?

I am ingrained with the value of caring.  It was why I loved a profession in service for so many years, and, ideally made me one of the best in my field.  It is also my down fall in a career where I care more than the company I work for.  When I feel like I am failing to make a difference in the world, my satisfaction level hits the floor, and I must change my surroundings - chose a different situation.

It's time for some choices to made, and I am grateful for the passion I hold for making a difference, the desire to seek the right place for me to be, and for the realization that my life, my days, must be about more than simply punching the clock and collecting a paycheck.

I will have a place where smiles reign, and where my heart makes a difference, and I will dedicate myself to it.  It's coming... I can feel it in my soul.



P.s... if someone could share this with 'just-the-right-person', I would be grateful for you too. :)

Sewn With Love

The thing about the sunshine is I have no desire for spending time in the house, attached to technology.  Even writing is far from my mind.

I broke the Earth in my hands, placed seeds in the dirt and sewed them with love.

When the evenings grew cooler, I sat with a blanket in my lap - one I am making, and it too, was stitched with love.

I am grateful for sunshine filled days, time outside, and evenings of warmed peace.

Bond...

This little fella.... well he's kept me smilin' alllll day.

Crazy Goldeneye...

I named him Bond...

Isn't he awesome?

Mwack...

Grateful.

One Word Wednesday

Auspicious

Stories of Quotes

Today I am grateful for time to read, and contemplate, and for stories built out of quotes.  And for quotes that resonate leaving me feeling a little less alone in my thoughts.


"While a marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, the second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience... and experience wins, eventually."


"Giving up is not the answer to struggle.  No one ever got to the top of a mountain and yelled "Hell, that was easy!".  Life is hard work, and effort is gratifying."


"I have promised effort...but it must come without being a doormat."

"My thoughts and actions are my own.  I didn't ask for your judgement, nor did I ask for your acceptance."

"Hollywood romance is bullshit."

"Sometimes the only answer to why we love is simply - we don't tell our hearts what to do."

                       "There is beauty in simplicity."












"..for as long as time allows."




"Time is a human creation."

"..for we walk by faith, not by sight."

With gratitude. 






Secret... Four of these...are.my.own. <3






(photos by Kim Anderson)