Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Whomever Said "Winning Isn't Everything" Obviously Wasn't Fighting Breast Cancer

Once upon a time, on a day after Christmas, fourteen years ago, I learned something incredible.

I learned

it's

ok

to

be

afraid

of

cancer.


I learned it's ok to cry, and to hate it.  I learned what "telling the family" was.  I saw fight, and fear, weakness and strength.  In a small living room flooded with tears, I also stared into the terrified eyes of determination.

Fourteen years later, I am grateful the person behind those eyes is still here.  I am grateful for survivors.


When I had a daughter, my fear increased ten fold.  The genetics, and the history, and the factors, and the possibility - no matter how minute... I can't even say it.  The fear is life altering.

And so tonight, with more news of cancer touching our lives, even if not immediate, my soul is rocked with this rip tide of emotion.  It reminds me of the fear that lurks in the dark spaces.  I have big tears welling up in my eyes, I am gulpy, and the sudden need for quiet astounds me.

I hate cancer.

And that's ok.

I admire the eyes of determination, and the bravery that sparks in them.  I am grateful for the fight.

I am grateful for science, I am grateful for research, I am grateful for medicine...I am grateful for survivors.


Whomever Said "Winning Isn't Everything" Obviously Wasn't Fighting Breast Cancer


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Muttered Moments

Last night...I don't know... some time late-thirty... warm and asleep in my bed, my husband's hand slid across my belly, and around my waist, and he pulled me so close to him.  He was breathing on my shoulder, and even in my hazy slumber, I whispered "mmmm...grateful". 


Moments...memory.  Grateful. 

Monday, February 27, 2012

Sing Like No One Is Listening

Our TV stayed off tonight.  We all found something else to do.  One was doing crafts, one was playing a computer game, and I was on the treadmill.  Then I was in the kitchen, and reading, and..and..and.  And through the whole time, we had the stereo going in the kitchen.  I had my music player hooked up, so there was a decent shuffle of music to suit everyone's tastes.  But ohhhh the familiarity of good old county music.  And by that I mean Reba, and Tim McGraw.  George Strait, and Don Williams.

I am grateful for good old soulful country crooning, that soothes or stirs emotions - and either way it feels good.  I love singing like no one can hear me, and dancing like no one is watching, and I am grateful for everyone just enjoying the music.

Sing...like no one is listening.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Just Do it

Let me tell ya what.  I am one handy kind of girl.  Independent, skilled, and crazy multi-faceted handy, and today, that is my point of gratitude.

My day consisted of:

A. one and half hours of snow shoveling - the driveway (curse you Mr. Rurka) is huge, and despite being out there for an hour, I stayed out to help the neighbor shovel his.  It's a great workout!

B.  Re-potting one of my favorite indoor plants.  Oh, I miss the dirt in my hands.

C. Not only scrubbing bathrooms, but drain cleaning (thank you three long haired girls in this house...), which turned into plumbing repairs - and not one leak when I was done.  Booyah!

D.  The usual cooking, cleaning, laundry and groceries of weekend routine.

E.  Touches of Tremclad on the top of the Pepper House Project.

See! I am one handy, dandy machine of a woman!  I am so grateful for my willingness to just do.  Don't wait, don't expect someone else to do it, just do - and do it well.  Heck, I could work for Nike.  Just Do It.


Saturday, February 25, 2012

Inside Days

I shouldn't be surprised.  Mother nature through us a mean right hook, and we are sitting in about twelve centimeters of snow.  I decided very early in the day - inside day. 

I am grateful for this indoor day that allowed me the time for a project that kept me busy a better part of the day.  I have turned a treasured bird feeder I have odd sentimental attachment to into a pepper house - an indoor hanging garden of peppers and herbs.  

It needed much TLC as it swung in the tree out front.  Today, it saw some love.  

This was Mrs. Mastre's bird feeder that hung in the tree at the acreage I rented from her family after she passed away.  It moved with me, and had hung out in the tree in my front yard until today. 


The seasons have been hard on it. :(


This is the not so finished pepper house.  It's repaired, stained, and filled with seed starter, waiting for life to fill it again.  

I like to think that Mrs. Mastre would like it, and be grateful I took care of it.  



Friday, February 24, 2012

Celebrating With Bradshaw

Friday night... let's see if I can get this done.  Dinner has been had, movie (and not a good one) has been watched, and hubs is asleep on the couch.  Should be good...

I had a fantastic day.  From get up to get home, my day was filled with unexpected opportunities, laughter, candid conversations and an aha moment of recognition that filled me with gratitude that lasted out the day.

"You are far more brilliant than anyone recognizes.  You are capable of so much more than they let you do..."

Thank you Mr. Clark... you made my day, and I am grateful.

I found inspiration to believe in myself all over again.

Bradshaw and I...we're going to have a celebration in the morning with an inspired project.  It might last all day.  Good thing Bradshaw's got sparkle. ;)



Thursday, February 23, 2012

Self Preservation

"We have the wolf by the ears, and we can neither hold him, nor safely let him go.  Justice is on one scale, and self preservation on the other."  ~Thomas Jefferson~

It's an interesting thing - self preservation, I mean.  The whole purpose is to keep one's self from harm, and in the innate action of it all, this overwhelming feeling of guilt ensues.  It's a tough battle, so many years in the learning.  

There's a place part of my soul resides.  It's a place that is shut out from everyone else.  It's a place where no one gets in.  It's a place of self preservation, and for learning how to get there, I am grateful.  

Many people don't understand it - how I could get to a place to where no else can get in - where I can't take care of anyone else but myself -even of it's just for a few seconds, or minutes, or moments...or memories.  It's a place that is learned.  It is a place of no expectation, of no hurt.  It's a place of love, and respect, and a place where no one can take any part of me away.  It's a selfish place -  where I don't take care of anyone, and I don't fix things I didn't break.  And in not doing, I have learned self preservation.  

Many a time I have given so much of myself in a battle, or in fixing, or in caring, coddling, supporting, healing...that there was almost nothing of myself left.  And on that path, I found a lesson.  I am not here to save anyone else's world.  I am here to enjoy my own.  And so, I have learned self preservation, I have learned to "take off the cape", although it's never easy.  

I can "have the wolf by the ears" and I know I can't hold it.  I know I cannot safely let it go.  But I can stare it in the eye, and feel it's plight mixed with it's power, and in a moment, know we are in the same place.  Self Preservation.  Grateful. 


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Good Good Hair Days

You know, when you wake up, and you know - it's just going to be a good hair day - and it is?  I love that!  It really makes my day.

I could have had an entirely frustrating, mind numbing day filled with nonsense.  But - beyond it all, I had a damn good hair day.  Even with the wind, it held it's ground.  Good hair day - and I am grateful!

Another day safe from the scissors!




Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A Waspy Monday-Tuesday Kind of Day

I rolled out of bed late today.  I begged myself to stay in bed, but this "stellar"ness egged me on.  I rolled out of bed, grabbed my jeans and favorite sweater of late, and got ready for work to spite myself. So, first of all, I am grateful for that sweater and the defiance it gave me today.  (no dress pants, no pretty shirt - all comfort, all for me, stick your "dress code".)

I went into work waspy.  Not productive like a bee, but sting-ish, like a wasp.  I tend to do that on Monday/Tuesdays after a good long weekend.  I went to my office, and avoided other humans for a loooooong time today.  I did much counting before speaking today, and opted for the bambi rule plenty.  I am grateful for willing my mouth shut today, and for avoiding some of the sting of my own day.  

All in all, it really wasn't a bad day, but I really would prefer to be independently wealthy, or if I can't be, I do wish I could be doing something I love.  That is not the case, and so today... waspy - and I am ok with it.  

My son's humor broke my waspy mood, and filled me with laughter.  He wrote a story for his English class that had me rolling in the kitchen, and for that, I am grateful.  I was grateful, as well, to be able to share it, and pay forward some humor in someone else's day.  

There are some things still shifting in the Earth.  I can feel it.  I keep expecting the Earth to just crack open and lay this altering path in front of me.  The waiting is ... well... waspy.  I would prefer to just bee.  






Monday, February 20, 2012

Long Term Goals

So, I have decided it's time for some new goals. The problem is...where to start?

1.  Spend less time on my butt.
2.  Eat a little healthier - problem when I am such a darn good cook.
3.  Find more creative ways to use my time and energy.

Those are my top three goals for this spring, and I am grateful to have them.

I will admit, I have a trend of starting something, and not finishing it.  It's a trait of mine I am not such a fan of.  I admit, I am a short term gratification kind of girl (and oddly I hate video games - take that one to the therapy session...).  I like to do what I am doing, do it well, get it done, love it and leave it.

These three goals I have set are more of a long term kind of thing - which in itself is a fourth goal.  This change is for the betterment of myself- long term.


Wish me well, friends, and bring on spring.  I have just welcomed it in.  


Sunday, February 19, 2012

Two Dollar Cure

I am grateful tomorrow is a holiday.  I would like to say I have big family plans for family - but the truth is, I am just glad to have another day of rest.

I am also grateful that for right now, my daughter posses a trait I do not - sympathy.  It's pretty easy to convince her to rub my shoulders, and feel sorry for me.  It's easier when there is money involved... imagine that.

... I must go find some toonies...







Saturday, February 18, 2012

Time to Rest

I spent my day planning future things to do.  Crafts, cooking, gardening.  That's all I could do - plan.  It was a day on the couch, and now an early night in bed, wishing everyone else didn't have so much energy to be as loud as they are.  

Being ill is painful.  I have never been one to sit when there are things to be done.  I really despise it.  

I am grateful to have a warm bed in which I am currently wallowing in self pity, loathing this sick virus that has invaded me.  I am grateful for naps, and time to plan, and time to rest.  

I am grateful for my loving, wonderful daughter who rubs my shoulders and cuddles with me - I don't even have to whine...much.

Good night friends, tomorrow is another day.


Back to Reality

Another Friday night passed with a missed blog post.... I know someone once said "it will be 365 days, maybe just not in a row..."  True story.  I mean really, it's not like I am going to get a bad grade because I didn't hand in my homework.

I have been thinking a lot lately about technology and what it does to our lives.  And in that thought, I am waivering on purposely limiting the amount of it in my life.  Spring is peeking out from the closet, and summer will be right behind it - and there will be much more time outside.  I am already experiencing the want to be outside, or building something, or doing something other than TV, or computer etc.  I am grateful for the want to have less technology and more connection with real life.  

Yes it's true... it will be 365 days, maybe just not in a row.  


Thursday, February 16, 2012

Silk Strings

I had several good, good conversations today, and here's what I decided... I am incredibly self aware of who I have become from who I was, what I did to get where I am, and how my life experience has the potential to help other people.

Sometimes, it's the tiniest thing... maybe a phrase I learned along the way, maybe sometimes that it's necessary to call a bluff and play a little hard ball.  Sometimes, it's what I have learned from pain, and sometimes it's what I've learned from the peace that comes afterwards.

I am a believer in "a bigger plan" and lessons and purpose.  I am constantly intrigued when I see a silk thread spun in the web of life, linking one path to another.  Today, I am grateful for the silk strings.  

"Oh the tangled webs we weave" is  popular negative connotation of life's experience - but in reality, every pattern of that web is specifically structured, incredibly engineered, and uncannily strong. "Oh the silk we spin..."  I like that better.  

Go ahead, find a web... I defy you to find a "tangle" in the perfectly strung, silk lines of life. 


 Even the holes, where maybe a storm blew through, will be fixed by morning with new direction.  


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Sniffle.

Sniff.

Sniff.

Sniffle.

Achoo, achoo. achoo, achoo....ACHOO!

Oh dear...*cough*

This is NOT happening!

Kleenex.

Four miles.

Clear air.

Nyquil and vitamins.

I am grateful for tools to fight germs, I refuse to get sssss.... sssss.... ssssiiii..... well - you know.

A good walk in the cool night air, a pocket full of tissue, a body full of vitamins.

A tall glass of water, nyquil, a hot shower, and now a good nights sleep.

I will not be ssssssiiiii... bah!



Tuesday, February 14, 2012

She Was My Own Before I Had My Own

There's a girl... not so little any more.  She was one of my own long before I had my own.  She was with me almost every day.  I would say I was her "babysitter", but that would be unfair even to myself.  For the first five years of her life, I all but raised her.  I remained in her life even when I went away to college, when I got married, and when I had my own kids.  By then, she was old enough to babysit mine.   After schools, days off, weekends, holidays, hours, moments, memories.

And then, came the horribleness of divorce.  Her parents became judgmental, and even after knowing me most of my life, they chose a side without being asked to.  They chose a side that wasn't mine.  They took her away from me, excluding her from my life.  Just like that, she was gone.

Fast forward six years... she finds me at a Christmas party, I was completely oblivious that she was there.  There's a big difference between twelve and eighteen, she was all grown up.  She tapped on my the shoulder from behind, and whispered "you don't even recognize me".  I spun around and all of the sudden the eyes staring back at me were five years old.  There was my girl.  She was crying, and she took my breath away.  I couldn't stop my tears, or the pain of missing her.  I held her so close to me, just like when she was mine...

I had seen her a few more times after that, a couple of times a year, trying to keep tabs on her when I could, but never intruding on what was left of what growing up she still had to do.

Two years later, I walked into work one day... and there she was.  The new work experience student.  There she was - in my day.  Every day.

I am so grateful for her being in my everyday.

It's hard.

She's there.  And I can't moosh her all over.  I can't hug her and rock her, and touch her hair.  I can't mommy her the way my soul missed.  I can't whisper "you're not a mistake" to her as she falls asleep, correcting every slip her mother made.  I can't.  She's grown up now, and I missed it.  And she's there, and she smiles, and she wants it to be easy for me.

Today, we were talking about chicken pox.  And she says "I wonder if I had them?" She turns to me with the question.  "Yes, you had them.  I remember the fever, and the oatmeal baths, and the lotions.  I was there." She was my own... she knows she was my own.  She knows.

There's only a week left...and she will be gone again.  And I don't know what to do about that.  Carry on, I suppose, and hope she remembers, and is grateful for our time.


Monday, February 13, 2012

A River Flows In You

Yiruma - A River Flows In You

I can sit and listen to this song over and over and over.  It stills me, soothes me...it flows into me.  

Lately, I have been remembering to take time for myself... but I found I have forgotten the importance of remembering inner needs, meditation, time to talk to my soul.

This song reminds me that meditation and quiet time to connect with my soul is so terribly important.  I am lonely for myself.  It seems funny - to be lonely for one's self, but it's true.  There is a time to just sit still, and listen to what is going on inside.  There needs to be time of awareness and realization, of calm, collected thinking - or not thinking for that matter.  A time for embracing light, and it's point of origin.  A time to stop, and just breathe.  

One thought at a time, one note, one key, then the next, stumbling across ivory into peace.  I am grateful for the reminder to return to myself every once in a while, and for the river of energy that flows through me.



Sunday, February 12, 2012

Eleventeen

At four fifteen this morning, I was awake, mentally celebrating the birth of my daughter for the eleventh time.  It was a day that changed my life forever.  

The minute I met her, she completed me.  She came into the world impatient (9 days early), grabbing the attention of the room with her beauty, and silencing me in awe and wonder.  She has carried on, paving her own way through life.   

I am grateful for her pure heart, her trusting nature, her easily hurt feelings.  I am proud of her resilience, her determination, and her giving spirit.  I am grateful she chose me as her momma, and I am grateful God gifted her to me.  

Happy Birthday to my sweet girl.  May you be blessed with wishes and dreams, music and love all year through.  I love you.  



Saturday, February 11, 2012

T'was The Night Before Eleven

Tonight I am grateful for a meal I didn't cook :) .

Another birthday just around the other side of the clock, and one more family dinner like no other.  This time it was his turn, a daddy cooked meal for our girl, and dinner at the other house.  There is nothing like what we all have, and I am so grateful for it all.  

In a few hours my baby will be another year older, and tomorrow's post will be all about her.  Tonight is for the meal we shared, and the family we hold so dear.  


Friday, February 10, 2012

Up, Up and Gondola

Today, I watched my children's faces as they experienced a gondola ride up a mountain for the first time.  I am grateful for their infectious anticipation, their giggles, and their awe. 


We went to the top of Sulpher Mountain, where we watched the sun burn off the morning clouds.  


We touched the clouds, and breathed them in.  There is no place greater to experience gratitude than on top of the world.  


Thursday, February 9, 2012

Gateway For Magic

Majestic...


There is something about this place that just awes me.  The landscape, the wild life, the fresh mountain air.  Banff is one of my favorite places in the world.  It's a gateway for magic.

Team Us is in Banff, and I am grateful for the time I am having with my kids.  Museums, hot springs, dinners, walking the sidewalks of Banff, in and out of stores, amazed at the beauty of it all.  I am grateful for the time, for the conversations, for the free flow of energy between us.  


I am grateful for the smiles after a day of magic.  


..and for silver lined clouds that touch the mountain tops in the sky.  I love it here. 



Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Cracks In The Glass

Have you ever looked through cracked glass?  The world, as a whole, looks broken.  But if you shift your view, and look through just a part, it's clear as day.  Welcome to understanding a child with a learning disability.  The world is perfectly clear, as long as you shift your line of view.



Being a mother is always about the point of view, and things are not always as they seem. If the world looks broken, just shift your view.  There are days I am grateful for the crack in the glass - it explains why, sometimes, it won't stay half full.  And there are days I am grateful for the shift in my point of view, where the world becomes perfectly clear.

Ten O'clock Brilliance

Missed it last night... again.  So tired.  I tried  couple of times yesterday, but did nothing but stare at a blank screen.  Funny thing is, when I laid my head down, I had a ton to write about.  My head was full of thoughts and phrases and things to say.  I guess I am grateful for ten o'clock brilliance - even when I don't have the energy to get it out.

I will try again today.  That's all anyone can ask.


Monday, February 6, 2012

Fresh Sheets and Sound Sleep

Wow, did I sleep.  I slept so soundly and comfortably.  I attribute it to fresh, flannel sheets and crisp pillow cases.  There is nothing like sleeping in fresh bedding.  The smell of the dryer sheets still lingering in the creases of the sheets, the pillow fresh and cool.

I am grateful for fresh linens, warm beds, and sound snoozes.  I actually had to talk myself out of bed this morning - that's how comfortable I was.  I was making myself personal deals and guarantees to seal the deal of facing Monday.  "Come on... you can do it.  It's only a three day week for you at work, then it's off to Banff.  If you work until five tonight, you can sleep for an extra half hour... Nah...you don't want to work until five.  Get up... Come on..."  Soooooo comfortable in my clean flannel sheets.  So grateful for a good night's sleep.

And when I did get up - finally - there was freshly baked banana bread.   Want to know why?  Because I baked it - that's why.  And it was goooooood.

Gooo -ood morning, friends.


P.s.  I miss green grass and summer mornings. 

P.s.s.  For the record, I have never hung my sheets on a clothes line in this life time, but I sure do like the story in my head that matches this picture.  

It's going to be a great week, I can tell.  

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Painted Skies

I took this picture Friday morning.



I love spring skies, and the colors that paint themselves across the horizon.  It gives me something to look up and forward to.  Silver lined clouds, and brightened hues.  I am grateful for bright skies in the morning that hold promise of things to come.

Many blessings to you, my friends.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Everyday Simplicity

Ok, so... it's ten o'clock at night...

I really have nothing profound to say.  Really.  It's true.  I've been sitting here, staring at the screen, with not much on my mind. I had a full day of every day weekend stuff - cooking, cleaning, volunteering at the animal shelter, a ladies night cancer fundraiser with friends - and I am just tired.

There's something to be said to the simplicity of everyday life.  I watched an interview today with Sean Penn  in Haiti, two years since an earthquake destroyed Port of Prince.  It was like being slapped with a reminder of gratitude for the simplicity of our every day lives.  I am sitting here, typing on my lap top, sitting in my chair, in a warm house, in a fuzzy sweater, secure in my health, safety, and comforts.  For every one of my comforts, I am grateful.  I am grateful for the simplicity I normally take for granted.  I mean, really, that's the whole point of this blog right?

I have running water - and I am grateful.  My children are here with me, and I am grateful.  I have food and clothes, and a job, and furniture and pets.  I have the ability to have a simplistic, happy life.  I am grateful  I know better than to be ungrateful.  Well, would you look at that... I had something profound hiding in there all along.



It's all about the everyday simplicity, home safe home, and realization.  

Friday, February 3, 2012

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

What a long, trying week.  I was grateful for the fact of it being Friday.  I really didn't even need much more to keep me happy today.  My day was great.  It was busy, and a good news kind of day.  It was full of smiles and keeping busy and being productive.

Then there was tonight.  Honestly, I had almost forgotten we were going out for dinner.  Birthday dinner for my amica stretta.  That alone would have been enough to make my day.  I adore her. But instead, there was more company; wonderful, real, life filled people.  We laughed and joked, told stories and ate good food.  My face actually aches from the smiling and laughter.  I am grateful for the ache in my face, the creases that sting, and the pang in my cheeks.

I am so grateful for laughter.  It truly is the cure all.  My week behind me is just a memory, and tomorrow - well I look forward to the pain all over again.

Here's to a wonderful evening, filled with wonderful people, just enjoying space together.

Cheers!


Thursday, February 2, 2012

Coincidence? I Think Not.

Something funny happened today, I think, and I am grateful for what might or might not have happened, or for the possible coincidence of it all.  Intriguing isn't it?

I am grateful people read my blog.  I am grateful people talk about my blog.  I am grateful people share my blog.  And today, I am grateful for a meeting with the principal of avoidance tomorrow.  If I could, I'd insert a winky face here.

...still grateful for the fire that fuels my fight.

Yeehaw, tomorrow is Friday!



Click... flick... woosh!


Clearing In The Sky

Well, I did it again.  I missed a post.  That tends to happen when my days are so full that I barely have time to blink.  Yesterday was buuuuuuuuuuusy.  Teachers, a principal that seems have a bad case of avoidance, homework, studying, re-tests, psychologist phone calls, tutors, supper, a much needed walk to clear my mind, a meeting with the other family... and breathe.

I did remember that - just breathe.  Especially in the crisp air during my evening walk.  The clearing of the sky was metaphorical of my mind, and I was grateful.  The starts threw out sharp beams of light, and I was grateful.  They held their pattern, they stayed constant in the dark.  I am grateful for the solid things that stay constant when the rest of the world is spinning too fast.