The End Of 365 Days

I've thought a lot about what my final post would be.  I wanted it to be my own words, however, I find this quote touching my soul, and perfectly fitting.  I found it in a dream. 

“Wherever You Stand, Be The Soul Of That Place” – Rumi

Hope.

Wherever I am, I shall fill it with joy, and with the love of who I am.  In that, I will fill the space with my soul. I can only hope that others will find joy in that space where my soul is.  

Faith.

I have come to understand that it is not my soul work to force the happiness and joy in others.  I can only put my love in a space, and offer it to others to share; in time, in moments, in memories, and of course, in gratitude.  My hope is for those to whom I have offered my space, they feel my soul, and are, even if in some small way, comforted and know love.  I will have faith they will return to the space where my soul is once more. 

Believe.

There are spaces where my soul flows freely.  In the laughter of children, in hands I have held, in tears I have dried, in burdens I have carried to ease pain, I have stood.  There are soul friends I have chosen, kindred spirits my soul longs for.  My gratitude for the spaces we share shall never be bound by Earthly limitations.  And when I stand in a place, no longer on this plane, my soul shall dance with them for eternity.  

Live in gratitude, seek peace and brotherhood.  Practice kindness.  Above all else...

Love, love, love. 

Stillness Will Keep

Here it is... the second last post in this project. Just me and my lap top... clackity, clackity, clackity clack.

I'm starting to wonder what I am going to do when it's done. There's only one last post to be written in my 365 Days of Gratitude. Three hundred and sixty five posts of moments, all now memories, every one filled with gratitude. Gratitude for the experience, gratitude for the emotion, for the outlet.

And despite it all, the joy, the anger, the sorrow; hasn't it all just gone on? The sun, inevitably rose. The day, unequivocally ended. One after the other, promising forward movement, onward always - passing time, with or without us.

And so now I wonder what I will do with the whispers. What attention shall I pay them if not to share them? There isn't a day that goes by, catching a phrase, or a quote, or a contemplation of thought where I don't mull it over as to put it all in verse to make it make sense.

Tonight, I caught half a conversation, and words struck me, rang into my ears and tossed over in my mind, reaching for relatability - which, really, took next to no effort.

"She has a problem being still, like she feels like she always has to be doing something. Sometimes you just need to be with someone who can enjoy the stillness." 

Perhaps it's my time to be still... but I truly doubt it. But, is that me - ever moving, rarely satisfied with stillness? I welcome moments of stillness, but certainly not a lifetime of it. It is me ... ever moving, always advocating for something, struggling to make things right, to fix, to learn, to do, to change the world - even in some insignificant way. It will not be my stillness one day that is remembered, but the remarkable things I had no fear to do. Stillness will keep.

"So bring your best. Bring your love. Bring your fearless heart and your unbounded service. This is a good world if you let it be." (~Aaron Paquette~)

And so I shall, and with gratitude and with love, in search of a fearless heart, perhaps not always at my best, but ever striving for it, letting the world be good, needing to be remarkable.

And then there was one...

Having Faith

I have faith in people who have faith.  I am grateful for people who Believe; who believe in a power higher than themselves, who believe in better places than our physical Earth.  I am grateful for people who see hope in signs, who find comfort in prayer, and know, beyond all circumstances, it will all be okay.  My gratitude falls many days on people who carry that faith.  It makes my own faith come that much easier.

My hope is that my words are not mistaken.  My praise is not to door knockers or those filled with condemnation for those who speak with a different mind or voice.  My gratefulness lies with those who "do not drag the world kicking and screaming into a new awareness", yet quietly and simply do good for the sake of good, and know, inwardly, the rewards.

Without fail, there is always someone who reminds me.  And for the reminder not only to have faith, but to do good, I am grateful.  Hold fast to humanity on our physical Earth, and have Faith that our time is fleeting.

With Gratitude.

A Mother's Love

There is someone who knows my secrets, and hears me when I talk.

Her unconditional love is unmatched, no matter how challenged.

I aspire to be the mother she is.

She has saved me, more than once.



I sat, crumbled, in the middle of the floor, hugging the carpet like it was the last thing that was keeping me alive. It was wet from my tears, and I couldn’t stop the crying. The emotion poured out of me like a dam that had broken. I hadn’t found any use in getting dressed – since life, as I knew it, was over, and I was determined that I needn’t function in society. I had, decidedly, ruined my own life with my decisions, and this sadness was my punishment. I was worthy of this pain, and, if the floor opened up and swallowed me whole, well, that would be understandable- and welcome. I cried out grief, I cried out hurt, I cried out anger. Every emotion that the great Webster had defined and listed in his dictionary spewed out of me like an erupting volcano.

I saw myself there on the floor, wondering desperately who this broken girl was. Where had she come from, and how was she to survive this kind of sorrow? What choices had she made that were so detrimental as to leave her in this puddle on the floor, wishing all the world would just go away? Oh...but she knew very well. It was clear.

A light cracked into the room, a door pushed open, and a voice rang in my ears and saved my life. I would like to say that this was my defining moment with God. That his voice rang through my ears like a song, and the Holy light people speak of filled the room... but I was too angry with God, even then, to notice the gift he sent me. That voice wasn’t his at all, or not what I would have expected... “Get up!” it barked. “That’s enough...get up.” I sat up, startled really, at the interruption of my self destruction. I sat up, and stared into the bluest eyes I know. Eyes filled with love, and a necessary strictness that I know now, most likely, almost killed her... It may not have been the God...but it was my Mother.

“Get up off the floor. That’s quite enough. Look at yourself. It’s noon. You are not dressed, you look like hell, and I will not let you break. This is your life now. This is what you have chosen. It’s time to face it, and move forward. You get ONE day. One day to wallow, one day to cry. Your day is half over. Cry more if you must, but it’s not going to make the hurt stop- not right now. By the time I get back, you will be showered and dressed – and you will not be on the floor. You may crawl up in a blanket on the couch and lay there feeling sorry for yourself until the day is over. But when that sun rises tomorrow morning, that’s it....one foot in front of the other, and move forward."

And then... I got up off the floor.





I am grateful for my momma.

Some Beautiful Things Come From Broken Pieces

Some things I know how to fix.

And some things I don't.

And sometimes I get lost in the difference.

Once shattered, forever scarred, still beautiful.

Grateful.

Six And Then Five

I am down to the wire.  Six posts left, after this one, five.  I have been looking back a lot lately.  Not just at these past 359 posts, but on years, and reflecting on what I have been through, what I have learned, and where I want my life to go - what I want it to be.

Someone recently said to me "perhaps the lost one is now found".  The thing is, I feel like I've "been found" for a while now, but I've been changing my path to suit my surroundings, keeping myself from living in the "found", rambling around trying to let someone rescue me... and that's not me.

And so, here I stand, once again, at this cross roads, looking at the paths before me.  One of them is no longer the path less taken.  It's been walked.  It's been paced...and trampled down.  It's beaten and worn.  

There are several others in front of me if I look beyond the fear. Some familiar, some look like home.  Some edgy and dark, some new and untraveled.  And here I stand at the cross roads.

My posts have been sporadic of late.  I have been struggling with the gratitude, and putting it out there.  What  I have seen myself write is contradicting with my head, and my scarred heart screaming something else again.  It's like feeling too much, and not knowing anymore how much longer I can last.  I'm putting up walls to hold back tears.  I'm running out of emotion instead of running out on emotion.  It's no longer running away, it's choosing a direction and fighting head strong into the wind.

I am left unsure today of who wants to be part of my journey.  I am not certain of anything this morning.  I am standing at my crossroads very much alone, trying to find a way, listening to not much more than silence.  I am grateful for my own strength, knowing one of the paths ahead is filled with pain and hurt and broken pieces.

Five more posts...

I Learned...

Monday.

Ugh.

I am having a frustrated day.  Not frustrating, frustrated.  I am frustrated with life, and society, and parents.

I want to crawl back into bed so the rest of the world would just leave me alone.  My words are sharp, my patience is in short supply.  I want to write, but my own frustration is getting in my way.  So here I am.

Here I am.

Here I am, cultivating gratitude, remembering the blessings I have in my life, and things I have learned.

...learned...

After my weekend of tweenager traffic in my house, I have learned I am a better parent than many.  I have learned how lucky my children are, and that no matter how humiliating it may be to them, I will always, always care too much.

I also learned this weekend that my words of past feuds (for lack of better words today) have had a permanent impact - and for that I am not grateful.  I am very sorry that words said may have altered someone's thoughts.  I am going to take some steps to make this better - and for learning to do that, I am grateful.

I learned my children have beliefs of their own.  This is a hard one for me in many ways.  I always wanted my children to chose their own path, but I always had faith that they, well, would have faith. I admire their ability to learn and decipher and choose, and I am grateful for the free will I have instilled in them, but I must admit, I struggle...

I learned, for those who know what this means, that I am not the only one who cares so much, even when, perhaps, I shouldn't.  I have a gratitude for that not many would understand.

I learned that I am over-prepared for the worst - always.  Interesting.

Look at everything I learned... how could I not be grateful?  Even if it is Monday.

All Dressed Up & Snow Place To Go

Time together at the table, crafting the most adorable snowmen EVER; no games, no TV, no devices...just crafts.  Really, really adorable crafts. Grateful. 

All dressed up, and snow place to go... 

I Love You More

I love you more.

I say it all the time.  I love you more.

Not I love you more in the "no, I love you more...no, me...no, I love you...no, I love you more", want to throw up from the cavity inducing sweetness in my mouth, must be stuck mentally at fifteen, kind of way.  You're not hearing me right.

I love you more.

I love you more than I ever expected I was capable of.  I loved you yesterday, and days before.  And I don't just love you still; I love you more.

I love you more every day, in every smile.  I love you more for everything you are to me.  I love you more for every moment we share, for every single time the stars shine brighter because of who we are when we are together.  I love you more, you see.  I love you more, when you love me more.  And I know you do.

So every time I say it, every time I love you more, never think for one second that I am wrong.  It's just not possible.  I love you more.

More.

Grateful. ♥

Free Night

It's Monday.  Mondays are always busy, busy in our house, and oh my gosh, I cannot believe I have not posted about this before... it is truly one of my favorite things!

FREE NIGHT!

Monday is the night where, normally, I do not cook.  I am free of cooking, and everyone else is free to eat whatever they cook for themselves.

It started because of the busy schedule.  We all ended up throwing something together quickly, usually in between volunteering and lessons or a meeting etc.  I just didn't have time between after work mom-taxi and evening schedules to cook for everyone.  It turned out as a good lesson.  My family, on occasion has to rely on themselves.  They must cook for themselves, clean up after themselves, and most gratefully of all, they must not rely on me to get it done.  :)

It has been years since Free Night started, and as young teenagers, my children know how to cook and clean for themselves.  There is no sitting around waiting for someone to do it for you.  In fact, if on another night I am running like a chicken with it's head cut off, my kids will so wonderfully come into the kitchen and make my day by saying "free night?"  Heck yes.

Monday Free Night... Grateful!

...and for this one, every meal, if given the opportunity, would include corn on the cob... 

Selective Amnesia

I am having days where my thoughts run together.  They busy my mind.  They make me twisty.

I didn't ever know that someone could capture it quite as exactly as this beautiful artist did...and I am grateful.

Selective Amnesia - Ana Correal

Grateful for the talent of Ana Correal, grateful for the stories her art inspires me to write, and grateful for my own selective amnesia.  Some days, it's the only way I can bear myself. 

Intervention Prevention

Have you ever sat down to watch an episode of Intervention, and thought of how grateful you are that isn't your life?

Yeah....me too.

Intervention marathon today...grateful, grateful, grateful...

Time Doesn't Always Heal Wounds

There's part of me that wonders if this part of me will ever heal.  I don't even know how to describe it...  In fact, here I sit, staring at the screen, wondering how.

It's that piece that empties quickly.  That piece that is terrified all the time.  It's the piece that remembers what alone is like.  Really alone I mean.  Not the sit in a quiet place and have a glass of wine and soak it up for a bit alone, but the late at night, aching alone.

Aching.  Insecure, deep fear, close to panic, ache...

It's the result of the sudden end of things.  When you didn't see it coming, but when it was over, it was tragic. It's forever changing... and I mean that it changes you - forever, not in constant turn over, but the eternal soul imprint kind of way.  It's the attempt to remain.  The trying to mend the hole that keeps fraying and tearing like an over stretched sweater, and you keep pulling it closer and tighter, only to let more holes in.

Gah... rambling.  Alone.

I've done my share of leaving.  Part of me says maybe the open wound is my karmatic retribution for it.  The reasonable part of me, the faith filled part of me doesn't believe in karmatic hurt - only learning, and in the learning, healing.  And in the healing, cultivating gratitude.

And so here we are... seeking gratitude, fighting the ache, the fear, and the alone - without valid reason.

As I said, I wonder, often, if the fear ever heals.  Does anyone get this...at all?

Rambling with gratitude...

Like A Spa...But Not So Much.

Sometimes, at the end of the day, you just need ten minutes...

Or seven even.

To just sit, with no one asking anything of you.

Where not even the radio works.

Just sit.

That's right.

Grateful for the car wash.

And it smells good too. 

Like a spa, only not so much. 

Every Road Leads to Home

"I'll see you when I see you."

He never says good bye.

In love, and Grateful.

Remember

On eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, Faith of our Fathers, Band of our Brothers, remember why you have the freedom you have today. Be mindful, wear your heart on your sleeve, and love your country. ♥

With gratitude and the deepest respect. 

Sparkling Silence

As far as I can see is covered in snow.  This cold, heavy, lifeless snow.  I am stuck in frozen quiet.

I am stuck in sparkling, shimmering dust.

There are worse places I could be.

And so here I am... stuck in sparkling quiet.

Grateful?

Intuition

I made some decisions yesterday by following my gut.  Feeling my way through it, trusting in myself.  I held the thing in my hands, rolled it around, examined the nicks, let it shine for a bit, followed my heart, and let it roll.

Turned out pretty good.

Grateful for intuition, for no else decides my fate.

Too Close

Yesterday, I was one second and literally inches away from a very serious car accident.  I actually cringed as I watched, almost in slow motion, a truck stop inches from my drivers side door, sure I was about to be in the most pain I had ever felt in my life.  It was a surreal moment.  The world slowed, and my reaction doubled.

You see, as I watched it all, somehow, my body knew to put my foot to the floor, pressing the gas pedal to get me out of the way.  It was like dodging a bullet in The Matrix.  I could see every second of all three that could have changed my life.  One more second... it makes the hair on my body stand on end, my temperature cools, and my thoughts flash.

I went to bed last night giving gratitude to God for being alive, for being unscathed, for being, for no fathomable reason - out of the way.  I woke up this morning, still giving gratitude for waking up in my bed.  I was grateful to put on my clothes, to wake up children, to make my breakfast and to venture out again this morning.  I spent countless moments in appreciation.

For every angel that got me out of the way; for every guardian that wrapped it's arms around me, for every essence of Creator that held that moment - the utmost gratitude seethes out of my being.

In thinking of it all, something else became quite clear to me...I am meant for something still to come.  There are important things I have left to do that are going to change lives.

I am a huge believer in the theory "when it's your time, it's your time".  It's not my time.  I am far from done.  Creator held a moment.  I will not take that for granted.  Ever.

With a life filled with gratitude...

And love.

p.s... Gram - I know you were there.  Thank you.

Watching Water Drops

Today was one of those "whole lotta not much" days.  Busy with little things, and moments of quiet things.

And sometimes, the moments of quiet things, where the rest of world goes silent, make all the difference in the perspective of one's day.  Like water drops rolling off the leaves in a warming day.  Grateful.

Samhain & All Souls Day

Yesterday welcomed Samhain, the ending of summer and the putting to bed of the Earth for winter approaching.  It was a day of oddities, confidence, opportunity, and peace.  For the day of Samhain, filled with newness, I am grateful.

For ever changing seasons, newness and Earth I offer up my gratitude. 

Today brings a day for souls.  All Souls Day rests upon us.  I open myself to the peace that is rest for souls.  I give gratitude for guidance, for lessons and for resonance of those who have left our plain, but never our hearts or thoughts.

On this day for all souls, remember... "you are a Soul.  You have a body."  Honor your own soul as you celebrate others.

With gratitude.

Namaste.

Welcome November

"How do you know? she said & the answers fell like feathers, or the first snowflakes of November, light & without words. I looked in her eyes & smiled. You just know, I said."

~StoryPeople~

Grateful for November.  I welcome you with open arms, I have been watching you for a whole month now.

A Good Cup Of Tea

When tea becomes ritual, it takes its place at the heart of our ability to see greatness in small things. 

... some times, a good cup of tea is in order... 

Grateful.

And a new book on the side never hurts.  :)

Puddles

What a terrible weekend...

Short tempers.

Cold temperatures.

Silence.

Tired.

Decisions need to be made, changes need to happen.  None of it easy.  But I won't go back to where I came from.  I worked through too much.  I have grown too much.  Grateful for the realization, begging for the strength.

Soaked to the bone...standin' in a puddle...

The Sleeping Hunter

This moment... Even at 13, I still love it. 

(I tried really hard to post the successful dear hunt pictures... My son's pride and enthusiasm for the trip was heart warming and touching... but I just couldn't do it.  For his love of the hunt, and for my love of the animal - I am grateful. )

A Thousand Things In One Lifetime

When I grew up, I wanted to be a thousand different things, all in one lifetime, and it seemed to me there was time enough. Today, I took a good look around, and was comforted in still accomplishing just that, and knowing there is still time enough. ♥

I posted this little diddy this morning on my facebook after a few thoughts entered and flowed out of my mind.  My entire life is a series of hurry up and get to the next thing.  My soul likes to experience so many things and learn, learn, teach.  Realizing there is time enough for it all is a thing of gratitude.  It is also something that makes me slow down, which I am just as grateful for.  

I have done a lot in my 36 years.  I intend to do much more.  The difference now, I feel, is in the quality, not the quantity, and also in the satisfaction.  So, here is the point where I take my time, measure, guage, and put thought into what I do, and for whom.  I really have learned a lot in my journey, and I look forward to sharing it.  I don't need to be someone's light at the end of the tunnel, just planting the thought that there is one will be enough.  (or encouraging one to drive the train even...)

I have an auspicious feeling of what's to come, and I am grateful for it. 

A Well Measured Monday

...what a Monday.

I was trying to find that weekend that flew by when my feet hit the floor and I poured myself into a very large cup of green tea...or eight.

I went into today looking for a fight, and tempered myself into remembering instead to look for solutions - grateful.

In fact, with many of moments today, I am grateful for my learned patience, for deep breaths before speaking - or even not speaking (yes, I can hold my words...).

And so at the end of this day, I give gratitude.  For my children, for not looking back, for strength, and for persistence, and for a lighted path - and for those who understand what that is.

And as I reflect on my day, I offer up a little more for man beside me, who kisses my forehead when he sees me struggle.  For the warm hand around my waist, and knowing where my home is.  (and grateful he's starting to feel better)

For all of the things of good measure, I am grateful.

My Son In The Sun

My boy's been gone on a trip.  I'm sure he loved it... But when he ran through that door tonight, my gratefuls were abundant!  I missed him like crazy.

We had so much to talk about, so much to be excited about...

The time is going by so fast.  I just want to slow it down so I can fill my days with a million more gratefuls and this young man.

This smile, his sense of humor, and his heart that is so rare... I am grateful.  

Girls Day

We filled our Saturday with things we love, my girl and I.

We had our toes done - something we love, and spent the morning with Mercedes - someone we love.

We wandered around the Old Strathcona Farmer's market, then perused Chapters - somewhere we love times two.

We filled our bellies in one of our favorite restaurants, with our favorite foods, and belly laughed over silly journals.

We stopped on the way home for our favorite tea at Starbucks.

And then as I drove...I watched her sleep.

My favorite girl.

A day of gratefuls. 

Moving Mountains

I saw this quote early this morning:

It's from Aaron Paquette's facebook page.  If you don't know who he is, I would recommend taking a look at his work.  His is a very gifted teacher and artist.  Brilliant even.  

This quote was exactly what I needed with the day that was before me today, and it resonated through me and I am grateful for the strength.  At the end of my day, I confidently said "my path WAS a wall, but I kicked some ass today, and I climbed higher".  

I really did have an empowering day.  A day of my own brilliance and motivation.  I didn't just climb a wall, I feel like I moved a mountain.  Even if it was just a nudge, I broke ground.  Soon there will be a train going through that mountain, and I will be driving it.  Plenty of people are going to want to get on board, as my train makes return trips just to remind everyone I never go away.

Toot Toot!

Feeling Useless

Last night the first wave of helplessness hit for this school year.  I don't just mean frustration or being irritated.  I mean the very real realization that I don't know how to help my own son succeed.  I don't know what to do.

I have been, over and over, given a diagnosis with no solutions; here's the problem - good luck.  No one in the position of assistance has added one ounce of what it is they are there to do.  Not one.  It's not that I haven't asked.  Maybe it's because I always seem so confident in finding a solution and expecting everyone to participate in a suggested plan?  Not even the Masters Degree Psychologist.... nothing but "good luck with that".

Last night, with a crumpled boy in my lap, apologizing for not being able to understand, wiping tears of frustration, I succumbed to it.  I do not have the answers.

And I let myself feel it.

And I cried.

A lot.

Then, I reached out, and asked for help - honestly not expecting one person to offer up anything useful.

And there she was.  An old friend, more qualified, certainly, than myself.  A psychologist without small town mentality.  Someone willing to say "I don't know, BUT I WILL TRY TO FIND OUT".  Someone that doesn't owe me a thing, someone that didn't have to.  This is someone who values the different kinds of learning for students.  Someone who saw my frustration from the other side of the table and said "this is bullshit".  And I am so grateful!

With a tablespoon of hope, I filled my own bowl for the week, setting up meetings and researching.  I will change the mentality in this town about the students here if it kills me.  I will not accept failure again.  I will accept help (listen to the angels sing!), and I will continue to ask for it.  I think I may have found some "luck" with this, and her name is Amber.  And Amber, for nothing more than the offer, I am grateful.






.... p.s... I'd post a picture of her here, but she'd totally kill me... so there's that...

Restful Healing

It is not very often that I give in to a virus.  It's not very often that I give up, and call in sick.  In this busy, crazy world we live in, there is a sense of guilt we carry when we are sick.  What have our lives come to when we make our selves feel bad for being ill?  Especially as women, we feel we do not have the right to be ill, to heal ourselves, to let the world function without us.  It's just a virus, it only lasts a few days.  Everyone gets sick.  Everyone.

Today, after fighting a nasty cold virus all weekend, and trying to power through it, cooking and cleaning, shopping despite all efforts to get me to stay on the couch, I gave in.  I decided my health is more important than anything else I had to do today, and I went back to bed.  I slept the morning away, crawling out of bed at 11:15 this morning.

Sleep is an amazing thing.  Sleep - where our bodies have a natural ability to recover.  To heal.  Today, as I sit on the couch, with my tea, well rested, I am grateful for sleep and my body's ability to recover.

Today, I will take the time to recover from being sick...because I am human.  And next time, maybe it will be easier to listen to those who told me to stay on the couch the first time.

But I Didn't... Then I Did

Today I woke up, and wanted to stay in bed.

But I didn't.

My blankets hugged around me, tight and warm.  I hit the snooze button... a lot.  My bed bargained with me to stay.

But I didn't.

I put my feet on the floor, blinking away the dream that startled me awake and into good morning messages of victorious test results and hope.

And outside, the fog set in, glooming in the day.  It warned my mood to keep in check.  It pushed me to match it's grey.

But I didn't.

Instead I smiled, and pulled out an old plan.  I looked at that University application.

And I did.

So there's a challenge in front of me.  And I am grateful for it.

I could have ignored my day.  I could have pulled the covers over my head and shut it all out today.

But I didn't.

I moved into my day, looking to find something new. and I did.

Cultivating Gratitude; because that's what I do.

It Goes On

I am supposed to be done.  With this project, I mean.  365 days has come, and four days ago, gone.

And here I am, at 337 posts, and haven't written a word since Wednesday.  There came a post where I said "it will be 365 days... maybe just not in a row".  There are still days of struggle, there are still days of no words.  There are days brilliance flows from my finger tips, and there are posts I re-read with pride.

There are three words I am certain of with this blog.  It's just like life... It.  Goes.  On.

I am grateful for it.

Snowy Snapdragons

Well the other night's North breeze blew in something unpleasant...the season's first snow.

I do not welcome it.

My snapdragons are less than happy.

The snow is early and it promises not to stay - grateful.  I'm not ready for snow...

The North Breeze Blows

A breeze came out of the North tonight, and brought with it a dance of lights.  It was short lived - as my camera knows.  I tried to capture it, but a comedy of errors followed the shutter clicking... and well, I will have to hope for better luck next time.

For the breeze that blew through the autumn night, for the air filled with fragrance and silent light dances, and for the curiosity of children, I am grateful.


The moment I got to stand in the darkness and watch the dance is a thing of great gratitude.  For the gifts the Earth offers to us, I give thanks.

Until I capture this year's lights, last year's will have to do.  

Cleaning Out

I have been in purge mode since Friday.  It's been non-stop cleaning.  Bedrooms, yard, soul.

It feels so good!  The cleaning and purging, the newness that comes with a serene environment.

Oh, how I am grateful for the serenity... and how it ripples through everything and everyone.  Yes... the ripple effect.  Grateful.

Serenity... more grateful.

Bucket Of Mums

I decided it was time to clean up my flower beds for fall - since it's already frozen more than once.  The day has afforded my some beautiful sunshine.  So I sat by myself, digging up bulbs, and filling my hydrangea cage with leaves, breathing in the autumn aroma.  I shook up the bucket of mums, and let the sweet scent fill me.  I am so grateful for autumn, I wish it never left us, and just jumped into summer one after the other.

It's a quiet day here.  A good day for thinking and pondering, a good day for clean up of the soul.  I am grateful for my time in the sun this afternoon.  But the reality of it is, in my pondering this afternoon, I found myself quite sad.  As I sat alone with my flowers, I could hear the family across the street.  Their house is full.  They have family there, and they are preparing their thanksgiving dinner and playing a rowdy game of football in the back yard.  I smiled at my own family memories, and fought back tears of what used to be.

It's Thanksgiving weekend, and life has become too busy, I guess, for dinner.  Maybe even not too busy, but too tired of life's complications.  The siblings that chose not to be part of each other's lives, the parents who are torn, the kids who don't know one another.  The scheduled time for the parents that divorced.  The work schedules, the travel.  There's no turkey in my oven, there's no family at my house.  There's no laughter or card games, or excessively warm kitchens.  And so I am so saddened at "too much".  My heart is sad, and longing for a good ol' fashioned family meal.

So, here I am, with my bucket of mums, well aware of what's been missing.  Family.  And somewhere, some how, there needs to stop being so many excuses.

Counted Blessings

I came home today, complained about my day. (thought it was justified)

I tried to help with math homework, and couldn't, and wished my skills were better. (not proud)

I lectured my son about taking responsibility for his education, and boiled over with frustration, barely allowing him to speak.  (not a moment I am grateful for, I need to find a better way)

I ranted about procrastination.  I harped about things being done in a timely matter.  I was h.a.n.g.r.y. tonight after having gone too long without food.  ( my own damn fault - all of it)

And as I laid here in bed, trying to wear off some of what was winding me up, I heard a mother lost her son. I heard tonight, that she doesn't get to say goodnight.  My heart stopped, and just like in a movie, my whole day rewound in my head, warnings of regrets and nightmares.  Oddly - it is that moment of rewinding and whispered warnings that I am grateful for.

In my tears for another mom tonight, I am grateful for the frustrating moments over math problems and upside down test scores.  I am grateful for apologies, I am grateful for sharing dinner at the table, no matter the hour with my children.  I am grateful at the end of my day to have my babies close to me, dreaming in the hours, peaceful and safe.

For he who protects us, who works so hard for family, who loves with an unmatched love.  For a job that provides with ease, for a house that shelters us in warmth.  For all the things we have to wait for, and for the time...  Grateful.

Blessings.

(make sure you count yours.  I did.)

Learning

It's funny what one's learns in a day.  From conversations, or from questions; from listening, from paying attention to one's own thoughts.

I have always said  it is necessary to learn something everyday.  And I am ever grateful for learning.

I had a lesson today in trust.  I had a lesson today in friendship and confidence.  A lesson in unsaid things.

I learned.

Grateful...

...despite the betrayal I feel.  And I even said "one day I will learn".  One day is today.

The Coming Home Sometimes Makes The Being Gone Have Purpose

So my blog's been quiet.

Life has not been.

Also, it feels like society is in a place where stupidity rules... which dampens cultivation of gratitude.

There is something, though, that has settled me.  It's just a phrase.  One I find myself using all the time, but sometimes, when someone else says it... well I guess I just didn't see how much it means.

"I'm home."

And for the realization of what it means not only to me, but to someone else... well, it was a real eye opener.

Home.

Realization that I am part of someone's home. 

Grateful.

Free Flowing Thought

I had a thought last night.  It was a good one.  This happens all the time.  I lay down, get in that really comfortable place and let my mind wander, and all these thoughts freely flow in and out of my head.  A hundred times I have promised myself - "I will remember that in the morning, and I will write about that".

Never happens.  By morning I forget what the fantastic thought was.

But last night...last night the thought was so profound to me, that I grabbed my phone and jotted it down in the notes (hello first world problem - no more pen and paper by the bedside?).  I found gratitude in not only writing down the thought before it left me, but also in the tools (and yes, had there been a pen and paper available I would have written it down - none the less, my phone won out).

Oh. And the thought?  Well it's actually still lingering.  I would love to hear some feedback on it, but in wanting feedback, I am wondering if I just want to know that I am not so alone in my thinking.  Huh...

The thought:  Do you ever feel like you are not where you are supposed to be on your life path, but where you are is a direct result of the decisions you made in an attempt to rectify the same burning feeling in the past?

Free-flowing thought...Grateful.

Beautiful Chaos

I am trying desperately, tonight, to give voice to my heart.  But the thing is, it's all just beautiful chaos right now, and I can barely find the words.

The chaos is lighted, hence the beauty.  It's life.  It's being alive.  It's having family.  It's having a home, it's love in all of it's facets.  It is choosing my battles.  It is the fight.

It's beautiful chaos, filled with gratitude.

Unconditional Love

I love unconditionally.

I forgive.

I understand life with a knowledge I am proud of.

I do not cultivate nor harbor hate.

I have raised my children to be human beings I am proud of.

I live with respect for life, and those around me.

And for all of this, I am grateful.

I am also grateful for the reminders that flash in front of me, and for the reminder of each person's path of learning.  Don't carry what isn't yours.

Right. Got it.

Grateful.

Autumnal Equinox

The Earth is aglow with Autumn Bliss.  And I felt the need to join it.

Here's to you Mother Earth... with great gratitude for this, my favorite season.

For every creature, every branch.  For every scent filling the air, for every warm breeze...

Wishing you all a peaceful Equinox and Love.

Malteser

I was missing my friend today, so I stopped by and brought her one of her favorite treats.

She greeted me with one of those hugs.  Those genuine, real friendship hugs.  *Favorite*.

And when I left, I still smelled of her perfume.

Grateful for the linger, grateful for the smile.

Grateful for her.

Jets In The Sky

This autumn night

With jets in the sky

And a sun burning up the horizon

A crescent moon hanging in a waxing sky

The land hushed with it all

And a moment to breathe

Grateful

Snooze

I have always wanted to be one of those people.

Those morning people.

Who get up and have coffee while reading the paper, and watch the morning sun.

(I am that person when I am in the mountains...)

 (reminder...)

But every other day, every regular day,

I am not.

Instead, every morning, I am the person who gives gratitude

For the snooze button

And the warmth of the sweet spot.

 (reality...)