Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Castles In The Sand

When I was younger, I would sit for hours and build castles in the sand.  I built worlds of Gods and set their planets to spin.  I let my hands mold the Earth into what I needed it to be.  What a simple lesson all too easily forgotten.

There is change brewing in the Universe.  I can feel it.  I can feel a shift - like the Earth moving. If I stand really still, I swear, I can feel the Earth spin.  Once again, I find myself on a path in this world I have built, standing at a cross roads, daring to take the path less traveled.

On days like today, I am grateful for foresight, and I am grateful for the hope it brings.  I believe that change, sometimes, is as good as a rest.  It never comes without challenge, they are like yin and yang, but it brings newness, forward movement and strength.  Change shapes our character, our souls, and our sight - both hind sight, and foresight.  Hind sight is 20/20, foresight is often blurry with lightened horizons.  So turn your face towards the sun, and let the shadows fall behind.  What will be will be.

I once read "if nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies", and I believe that whole heatedly.  I know I am about to face the challenge of change.  I can feel it in every molecule of my being.  Maybe it's the new university program I have looked into, or the possibility of a new place to spend my days.  Maybe the change will be a difficult one, there is always so much going on in my life that I never discount it.  Whatever this change is that is nagging at my soul, it is sent with a purpose.

I will have the foresight to welcome change, and mold it like clay of the Earth, letting it run through my hands, breaking it apart until it is what I need it to be. I will not forget to build castles in the sand beneath my feet.


(1981...what a good year)



Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I Do Not Walk Alone

I have been challenged, of late, with forgiveness.  I have prided myself ,for a very long time in being a soul of forgiveness and peace.  I believe that negativity brings darkness, and darkness blocks out light.

I have some things to work on... I have caught myself hanging onto anger lately.  I have found myself holding the past in my hands and covering it with blame and and misplaced hostility.  Oh the twist of darkness.

I am grateful that I can recognize such darkness and consciously go into it in the mindset of finding light.  I am grateful for life lessons of past that let me transform energy into working kindness, and three fold return.  I am grateful for the strength in my soul that lets me face darkness, knowing I shall never face it alone, even when I feel weak, and abandoned.

It is not my place to hold anger.  I have made a promise to offer up my darkness to the light, and give it to God.

I do not walk alone. I do not walk alone.  I do not walk alone.

Time does not heal all wounds, but light may fill the spaces of the scars.

I will try to be better.

I do not walk alone.




Monday, November 28, 2011

Meeting Malevolent Mediocrity on Monday

It's hard to write a gratitude post when I am angry.  I have had an angry day.  This will not go down in the book of good Mondays.  Aside from tiny irritations of my day, like being locked out of my office before anyone with a key showed up, and smug, smirking s.o.b's that deserve less than none of my energy and get it anyways, there are bigger issues in my closet.

I am dealing with an old, large, daunting demon today.  The demon of learning disorders and a less than interested (yes those are my nice words) teacher.  I am frustrated, and angry, and I am actually grateful for that, I think.  I am grateful for the fuel.  I am proud to be a parent who gives a damn, and one who refuses to let her child fall through systemic cracks in our education system.  I am grateful I expect more from my child than mediocrity and flying under the radar.  Nothing gets past mom-dar: a radar of epic motherly proportions.

I am grateful for the calm after the storm - maybe I should write about that tomorrow - after the parent teacher interview (or as I like to refer to it - "fourth meeting's a charm?).  I know I will feel better having defended my stake in my child's educational claim to those who need to listen, and I know I will feel empowered to make a difference - it's what drives me, and there will be peace, sooner or later.  Let's pray for sooner...

I am also grateful for this little dandy survey:


A parental survey about the new format of reporting a child's learning.  In my opinion it's our way of telling our kids it's ok to be mediocre and to accept and "ish" approach to grasping concepts.  I do not enjoy it.  I do, however find the scale useful in rating aspects of my children's education:

Your child's teacher has met your expectations and the needs of your child:

Not Yet          Approaching          Meeting          Excelling

Please Comment: ohhhhh  I would love to! 

I think I may make my own survey and send it to the school board....

Yes, an angry, angry day prevails...


Sunday, November 27, 2011

Echos of Seasons, and Home, Safe Home

What a day... it was like three of the years four seasons in twelve hours.

The morning, today, was beautiful.  It was filled with warm sunbeams and light breezes.  It was like spring in November.  I did some "spring" cleaning, and chores that have waited too long already.  We managed to get the Christmas lights up (for the first time in three years!).   I am grateful for our spring morning in November.

By early afternoon, the autumn reminder rang loud.  I could see the clouds in the sky moving in, grey and luminous.  They looked heavy, and daunting.  It was a sky of worry, tumultuous and cool.  The breeze shifted into a wind.  It's bite begged for more than a sweater, and I was grateful to welcome a warm afternoon inside with a mug filled with apple cider and a good book.  There was time to relax as the winds of change swept away the spring, then the fall.  Soon it was raining, then slushing... then it was here.

Late afternoon welcomed winter and it's huge snowflakes.  The sky was white and relentless.  For hours, the dense blanket covered the Earth, tucking her in, promising wishes and dreams, and newness to come.  It was peaceful to sit in my chair and watch out the window, watching the snowflakes kiss the shining Christmas lights on the eaves, hanging on as long as they could before falling to the Earth.  It was quiet and magical...until a siren split the air.

I could hear the screaming of fire trucks, and ambulances.  My husband had left, returning his son home after the weekend, and I knew he was out on the highway.  Another crack in the air and a rescue truck blared by into the blizzard.  My heart was pounding, I was instantly panic stricken.  Nightmares flooded my head, and in a hereditary habit, I started chewing my fingers, scrambling for my phone.  I could hear the path of the sirens... I know that path...

Let me tell you, there are no words of gratitude measureable to describe the lights of a truck pulling into my driveway.  And that, today, in the seasons of seasons, wins the prize.  I am grateful for my love returning home, safe home.  I will forgive Mother Nature for her winter temper tantrum in the same breath of thanking her for the other two seasons today.

A day of gifts, and I am still counting my blessings.




Saturday, November 26, 2011

An Up Hill Climb Of An Icy Slope - In Snow Shoes

I watched a movie tonight.  Two friends switched lives...essentially "filling in" for each other in their lives, making the best of what they'd gotten with what they had.  ...In the end, of course, it all comes down to the lesson - what if the daily life you had was gone?  What if everything you knew changed?  Could you make the best of what you have with what you've got?  Would you want your everyday back just as it was?

There are days I struggle.  I struggle with who I am, who I was, who I want to be.  I look around and want so much to be different.  I always want more.  I want to be better, I want to be wanted.  I want to be beautiful, and spiritual, and healthier.  I want to be whole, and I want to make a difference.  My "I want to"s are an uphill climb of an icy slope in snow shoes... Tomorrow if I woke up, and all my "want to"s were, would I be satisfied?  What if the Earth's icy slopes cracked open, and offered up a pool of fresh water to swim in?



Tomorrow if I was not who I am, would my children love me the same?  If my desire for knowledge and constant learning were gone, would I able to encourage them to never accept an answer without a question?  If I had nothing more to work for, or towards, how would I encourage dreams, imagination, desire and goals?  Tomorrow if I valued my appearance more than being true to myself, could I stand to look in the mirror? If I I wasn't who I am now, would my husband want a life with me?

Today I know that I am loved.  Today, right now, I know that my children are sure I hung the moon, and shined the stars for them.  Today, I know that my heart is full, and my soul is reaching - and that is ok.  If my soul was idle, God wouldn't even recognize me - for that's not the path mapped out for me.

I am reaching, and growing, and changing and learning.  I am alive, with a heart full of love.  My soul is ever reaching for galaxies of light, and I am grateful.  If my everyday was gone, could I carry on?  The truth is, for the most part, yes, I could.  I have.  I learned.  I am stronger with every lesson the Universe has handed me.

Some days, I make the best of what I have with what I've got, and some days, what I've got, is the best of what I have.

Tomorrow, I most likely won't be different, and neither will my life.  Tomorrow, I may still struggle.  Tomorrow my soul with reach, and tomorrow it will still be ok.  I may still work to have what I want, but the thing is, I already want what I have, and that makes all the difference.



Besides, I learned a while ago, that I like to snow shoe - I just have to choose the terrain I cover carefully, and have the right people by my side.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Tie a Knot

There are days, where the more moments that tick by, the emptier my patience pool becomes.  Everything is too loud, and everything is irritating.  I am really looking forward to bed time - and quiet.

I think, tonight, I am at the end of a rope.  I am grateful for the ability to tie a knot and hang on.  

I think I will ask my girl to play her guitar for me tomorrow and restore some peace, and settle my mind.  I am grateful for her love of music and her guitar.  I love listening to her play.   


Sleep with angels, and enjoy some quiet...for tomorrow, there shall be music on the breeze.  

Thursday, November 24, 2011

39 Years...

39 years...that's a looooooooooong time.  That's more than my life span.
39 years... 6? houses...two kids... two son in laws, two daughter in laws, nine grandchildren...5 dogs...
39 years of moments.  39 years of life.  39 years together.  39 years in love.

My parents have been married for 39 years today.  I am so grateful for my parents, their love, their dedication, and their marriage.  It gives me hope, it shows me to Believe.  39 years...


They really are the greatest people on Earth.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Knock At The Door

After yesterday's epiphany, I took one giant step forward, and contacted a university advisor.  There must be a way for me to go back to school, and for once, finish something I started.  



Helllllooooo Athabasca University... a distance learning option with a new diploma program that is perfect for what I am searching for.  I can study online at my own pace, and still work.  When I am done, I will have a plethora of options - including school counsellor and special needs consultant.  Yes Please... and thank you Universe.  

I am grateful for a door being open, and opportunity knocking, and for a goal... an obtainable, reachable, fulfilling goal.  

When opportunity knocks...open the door. 


( I have been grateful for this beautiful reminder for years.  Enjoy. )


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Auntie Turkey

This morning, I woke up, and I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.  Nothing felt right.  My skin looked pale, my hair was beyond doable, and my clothes just didn't sit right.  I felt like my soul was stretching, stretching beyond me, reaching for something more.  The ache in me is so undefined, and I just wish I knew what it was that is just beyond my reach.  I wish I knew... I asked the Universe just to whisper in my ear... I wish I knew...

I took a trip today, and in my travels, a miracle happened, and her name is Brooklynn.

Today, I met Brooklynn.  Brooklynn is three.  Today, this whisper came from Brooklynn's blue, blue eyes...


Brooklynn wears this smile, and her eyes say so much.  She can't talk much, just a few words, "mom" and "dad"... but today, my heart heard everything she had to say.  Brook has Rhett's syndrome.  Rhett syndrome is a disorder of the nervous system, exclusively in girls, that leads to developmental reversals, especially in the areas of expressive language and hand use.  That's the science of it. 

Today, this beautiful dancerella, expressed a thousand emotions, and didn't have to say a word.  She giggled, and danced, and laughed and cuddled.  She stood on my knees and wiggled and giggled and I called her a turkey.  "Turkey lurkey, dancing girl, turkey lurkey, gobbling wobbling..". And she laughed.  We twirled and danced, and rocked and cuddled, her eyes growing heavy with exhaustion.  She looked at me, and I said to her "who's a beautiful girl?"  She smiled and said "Turkey, turkey".  My heart melted... and the Universe whispered, "Turkey, turkey".  

Today, I became Auntie Turkey, and I am more than okay with that. I cannot express my gratitude for this little turkey, and her smile, and her blue, blue eyes.  I am also grateful for her whispers, and for the Universe's whispers... "turkey, turkey".  

I know...There it is again, and I can hear it, I just can't have it. I know where my soul is reaching.  It's been reaching to teach for so long, and it's just so out of reach.  Oh how I wish I could see the way...




Monday, November 21, 2011

Escape from Reality

It's late-ish...I should be in bed.  I have had a pretty good day - for a Monday.  I got a lot accomplished, I walked through my day with kindness and finished it with a movie night treat, split up among my crazy family dynamic.  Mack went with his oldest step sister, Cass with me and another step sister... I am grateful for peaceful family love, and movie night treats.

There is something about getting lost in a movie - the escape into another world, into another person's life.  The fantasy of it all can be very intoxicating.  It's a capture of time where I don't have to think... ideally.  I will just be grateful for a two hour time period of non-reality, and revel in the dreaminess of it all.  I will be grateful for the excitement of movie night in the eyes of a child, the smiles and laughter, and time with family, and an escape.

.

.

.

.


If I get into the over thinking of it all, I feel I may implode.  Maybe if I wasn't so tired... Maybe if I wanted to talk about the illusion of "movie love" vs reality and what it does to the mind and the human perception of how people are supposed to be... Maybe if it wasn't late-thirty...

.

.

.


Something persists in nagging at my soul.  If I could just put my finger on it... or stop that crushing feeling in my chest... Come on Universe... give me a clue... a whisper...


Sunday, November 20, 2011

Easy Like A Sunday Morning


Easy...Easy like a Sunday morning...

And it was.  My whole day was easy, and quiet, and laid back.  This is what Sunday is for.  I am grateful for Sundays like this.

I slept - and I mean I slept like a bear in hibernation, with minimal animal interruption (never interruption free).  In fact, I even slept in.



 I laid on the couch, I watched mindless TV.  I made some muffins, did some dishes, tended to feeding animals, made some stir fry for dinner... Easy...

A warm cup of green tea greeted me with the sun this morning, and brought me an easy, peaceful day.  It was a sweat pants and pony tail kind of day, it was a sleepy animals and chocolate chip muffins kind of day.

I like days where I don't have to run.  I take time to reset, refresh, and live easy.  I am grateful for days that are easy...Easy like a Sunday morning.



(by the way, I just love that song, too.)

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Keeping It Real

The thing about this little blog I do everyday is something, in itself, that gives me gratitude.  I am grateful for words, and emotion and expression.  I think most people that know me would say I am an optimist, a person with a positive outlook, and usually, making my way through life with a smile.  I make a conscious choice for that.  I make an effort to be positive, and to use love and healing energy to keep my life peaceful.  But, beyond what people see everyday, I am human, and I am real.

Someone in my previous career history had actually said to me, "when you are not smiling and cheerful, you determine the attitude of the people around you".  This forced me to bury emotion, response, and reality of myself, taking on responsibility for the behavior of others.  I had become full...and unfair to myself.

I remember the day when I decided for myself, I was allowed to be real.  Not everything that came out of my mouth had to be a sunshine and rainbows just to please the people around me.  As long as my emotion was genuine, and as long as I was being true to myself, I was free to feel everything I had to feel, without guilt, without judgement and without restriction.  I remember being angry when everyone started asking all the time "what's wrong? Are you Ok?".  I remember exploding one day shouting "just because I am not pretending to happy in every moment of every day, just because I am doing dishes in contemplation, and not pretending to be elated about it, just because I have to concentrate and maybe while I do, there isn't a visible smile on my face, does not mean that I am not happy!"

I am allowed to be real, and I am so grateful I have given myself that gift.  I am allowed to have bad days, and I am allowed to feel dark and twisty.  I am allowed to be peaceful, without a mask on for everyone else to see.  I am allowed to cry just for the release, and I am allowed to put out there in the universe whatever I have to to feel whole.  I am allowed to be real.

There are days when people say to me "I didn't like that post, the last one sounded more like you", and I think, how can something I wrote about my day, in that moment, not sound like me?  I am not writing this blog for everyone else's soul, I am writing it for mine, and I will not apologize if someone "doesn't like it".  I am going to try very hard to keep this blog real, for it has become part of me, and I need to keep me real.  I am allowed.  I decided, and I am grateful.

There are a lot of days when I am just happy to be alive, smiling and laughing, filled with light.  And there are days I have on a mask of strength, and there are days, I sweep my emotion under a carpet of smiles, and there are days when I have to do nothing else but just breathe to get through moments, or hours, or days.  And if ever there was a lesson that came out of my own mouth that stuck, it is that I will not be responsible for the actions or behaviors of people around me.  That's not my burden to carry.  I can only be responsible for me, and if that is a lesson to someone else, well, good then.  I can not be a reflection for someone else any more than I can be a reflection of someone else - and that is keeping it real.




Friday, November 18, 2011

Oh Captain, My Captain

I had a glorious day.  It was filled with a busy morning, a pot luck lunch with the girls at work (which was so delicious!), decorating the office, a light up parade downtown, and even a couple of quiet moments alone.  Even now, I am savoring a little bit of chocolate cake while I smile and write.  I am grateful for so much today.

For my day, and that my husband came home safe today after a long day on terrible roads.  For my kids that keep me breathing with their smiles and laughter.  For Tara's apple cider that has warmed my mug and my core since ten o'clock this morning.  For Tanya's Bolshevik hat that made my burst out laughing in the middle of the street - with no one else around.  For Jordi's company during the parade. For Tracy and baby being so far so good after a fall.  My day has been blessed.

There are things that we take for granted all the time, but today, not me.  I see it all, and I am taking it in and loving it.  I have come to the conclusion that my day was made wonderful not only by the people in it, but laughter.  And today, above all else, today's post belongs to laughter.  Laughter lightens the soul, brightens the air and makes picture perfect moments, even if just in the memory.  As my grandfather taught me, if all else fails, laugh.

I would like to share the biggest laugh of my day, the cherry on top. The story that still has me smiling, and guilty of a constant giggle with a twinge of empathy for the recipient of my amusement.  I was at the grocery store, light hearted from day, humming to myself, taking inventory of the young guy's groceries ahead of me, and chuckled.  Yep, bachelor.  Young, and his list consisted of yogurt, fruit, sandwich stuff, and cereal.  Yep, bachelor.  I was amused at what was unfolding in front of me already - like a movie, where you know there's about to be a train wreck, but you have to watch anyways.  Smooth as silk, he flashes a smile at the cute cashier.  "Hey there sweetie, how you doin'?"  Without missing a beat she shoots a look at the cereal, and another at Rico Suave in his pumas and designer jeans, with one word, sends my laughter all the way out loud... "Really?"... beep...Captain Crunch...$3.29.  I have never seen a man want to run so fast from a store in my life.  She couldn't contain her laughter with mine bursting out of me, following the young, still single, man out the door.

So here's to you Oh Captain, My Captain... When all else fails...laugh.


Thursday, November 17, 2011

No, It's Not Cute...Not Even A Little...

It's officially a new season.  I was in denial as long as I could be.  As long as there was no snow, it's was just autumn.  And though Solstice is still 34 days away, there's no denying winter is here, and it did not start well for me.  

The snow started, my boots were still in the garage...thank you procrastination... I made my way to the garage for boots, and discovered a mouse had fancied my boarder boots for his new home.  It did not bode well with me.  Thank goodness for well hidden Sorrels.  Aha!  I didn't even know what I was going to be grateful until just this second! I am grateful for boots the mice didn't find!  (I am not happy to be without my boarder boots and will be ordering new ones in the morning - drat!).


This is Creators fat little creature that invaded my garage...and believe me, when I found him, I was very grateful his heart had slowed from the cold and he was unable to move....forgive me if I don't find him cute...he lived in my boots!  

This time next year, I will be grateful for Rubbermaid.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Zades

This is my Zades...


He is the happiest, most loving, wonderful soul, and he may very well be my favorite dog of all those I have been blessed with.  He carries the best of every one of them.  He is loyal, his love is unconditional and without boundaries.  He is protective and fun loving like a child, wildly hilarious, and extremely warm hearted.  We could all learn a lesson from the animals in our lives.  He is always smiling, and even when I am not, he has the ability to force it.  Who can resist that face?!  I am so grateful for my lab!

Zaidon, Zades, Zadey Potatey, Potato Head...my companion.  I just love him like crazy...so much he gets his own post!  Smile on!

Tricky Little Demons

Fear.  It's a tricky little demon.  It changes everything.  It's powerful, and dark.  It takes and takes, and leaves a space where a different part of a soul once lived.  It's haunting, too, like a lurking shadow, and it's scariest when you are alone.  I know fear.  I have fear that lives in dark corners (and in mail boxes).  I have fears that have deep roots, I have fears that have history.  It's a shape shifter, it's a schizophrenic loonatic.  It will wake me from sleep or send me into a slumber.  I can hear it laugh at me, I can see it's smirk.  It can disguise itself as an angry bully.  It throws sharp words like knives in the darkness...loud , clear words.  It's the monster in a closet, or under a bed; it's the reflection in the mirror I pretended not to see.  It's the breathlessness when I try to scream, it's the tears that won't come, the racing pulse, and the cold sweat.  I know fear.

I know...

And I know conviction.  It's the breathlessness of elation, it's the tears of joy, it's raging pulse and sweat of hard work and a job well done.  It's the pride in my voice, and the kindness in my words.  I know determination.  I know challenge, and  I know courage.  I hear laughter, and let it be rapture.  I see the light in the dark, and strength in my soul.  I can close doors and open windows.  I know those are my green eyes in the mirror despite the cloudy reflection.  It will clear.  I know fear, and fear knows my fortitude.  I will win, I am stronger.  I will lift my chin, and eye to eye stare down the demon in my path.  It will move, or I will go through it.  I will make it to the other side, watch me.   

I know... I know me, and I am grateful.  




I am also grateful, that maybe, from my dark places, others can see light...three fold. 



Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I Will Have My Cake & Eat It Too

All around me today, people had a bad day.  I, on the other hand, had a great day.  I found $1.50 in the parking lot, I had English Toffee coffee after lunch, I got an email from a friend that made me smile, a text conversation that made me laugh out loud with no one else around, and then, I won a cake.  Oh, no, my friends, it doesn't end there!  I came home, and not only did my son remember both his agenda and his homework, he was at the table, almost done it when I got home from work.  My daughter did a load of laundry, put away all the folded towels, and dusted my living room.  

I am sitting now, watching a ridiculously hilarious show in my living room, with my lab asleep at my feet.  All around me is the soft flicker of candle light, and the peace of home.  I not only won a cake today, but I had my proverbial cake and ate it too.  This was a great day.  

I said last night the wind always has an agenda.  I think it's agenda was to sweep in a reminder.  What you put out there comes back three fold.  Attitude of Gratitude = ding dong nurse Betty, lets have cake!  I'm not even going to narrow down what I am grateful for, I am just going to wallow in  pool of blessings...swim in it 'till my fingers get all pruny even.  


(this is a cake from Blakes Cakes - from whom I won the cake... mmmm I love cake!)

Monday, November 14, 2011

Attitude of Gratitude

Here's what I think... my attitude lately sucks.  Let's not pretty it up, or wrap it up with a bow.  It's just not as good as it should be.  Here I am, writing a blog about things I am grateful for and lacing it with pessimistic undertones.  My goodness!  To anyone who reads along, my apologies.  I suppose that everyone gets in a funk, and seems to slip from a joyful place time to time, and well, that's life.  Everyone is entitled to days of reality and emotion, but I am a firm believer in choices.  If you don't like something, change it.  If you don't like something, maybe it's time to take a long, hard look at the aspect of your life you are not happy with and start asking some serious questions.  Why? Can it be better?  If so, how? Is it something that needs to change?  Is it really worth the energy that it takes to be unhappy about it?

Today, in full realization of my own funky-fi-doo of late, it's time to refresh my attitude back to one of gratitude.  It's time shift my focus from negative to finding challenges and inspiration and making changes that I need.

*in a little note of self therapy, I really do find this blog insanely theraputic.  I have stunning realizations every single time I write something.  I often think "well geez, why didn't I see that before?"  The answer is - because it was a thought, and when I write it down, it becomes a tangible being that I can work with.  When you are faced with something swirling in your head that just can't seem to keep grounded, write it down, and take a good look at what's on the paper.  My guess is, you might surprise yourself.  


I am grateful for these moments of therapy, and for the opportunities it grants me.  This is my life, and I intend to live it with a smile.  I will learn, I will move forward, and I'm going to sing loudly and I don't even care if you hear me.  I will make choices that make me smile, and I am going to stop the fear that has been stopping me.  I am... and I believe.

I Believe... 
Wow it's been a long time since I have spent some time listening to kids yelling at the top of their lungs while standing on their desks... "I Believe..In Me!".
Seriously...the therapy...
How did the exclamation mark become a question mark for me?
I stopped preachin' to the choir.  Even those who sing the loudest need a reminder sometimes. 





Sunday, November 13, 2011

Dear Scattered Thoughts ... Love, Me.

I went to a little workshop today, where we built little cards, and glued and sparkled, and stamped.  I was crafty.  I love being crafty and creative, and I am grateful for the opportunity to a. get out of the house, and b. use a part of my brain that has been zzzzzzzzzzzz.  It's a nice thought, I think, to take the time to put together a card or a note to send to someone.  To take the time to pick out paper, and create a layer of design, all the while keeping your recipient in mind, it's a lovely theory.

I have had a lot of people on my mind lately, perhaps some that need a note, or a pick me up, or a thank you, or a smile in their day.  Perhaps I should take a cue from Shelly and start with "Dear Me" and follow it with a few "Dear You"s.  

Perhaps I am over thinking again.  I tend to do that.  It's one of my little neuroses like my fear of the mail, or inability to communicate negative feelings, or the inability to write in a journal that sits blank by my bedside. I over think, I contemplate, I judge, I weigh, and then, I often leave it on the table, incomplete.  Interesting...  

Dear Me,

Get off your but, find a solution to your rut, and god love ya, never ever give up this blog that has become the best therapy in our budget - and remember - be grateful.  

Hugs and love,

Me. 

You know what I am grateful for? Scattered thoughts...fun projects, and sometimes, for unfinished projects too.  





  


Saturday, November 12, 2011

Waxwing Wisdom

So, for two days, my husband has been looking at me sideways, waving his fingers at me and saying "what's this that you got going on? Are you ok? Cuz you don't seem...ok...."

Truth is, I don't feel quite right.  I don't know if it's boredom, or if it's something actually physical, but I really don't feel right this weekend.  I am tired, and I am irritable, and I am bored.  I have watched movies, baked, cooked, cleaned my house, completed errands... and still.... although I don't have ambition, I am so fidgety and out of sorts.  I am very grateful my husband knows me well enough to see it - I think.

I fidgeted, and tossed in my chair, watching the birds in the tree.  Cedar Waxwings.  They are very beautiful creatures.  They are also very social creatures.  They sit in trees, watching the world in large groups, singing to the world.  They send out thin rhythms to each other, calling for company, the more the merrier.  They get their cues from one another, flitting off, tree to tree, resting together, flying together, eating together.  Social interaction.... suddenly I am envious of the yellow tail feathered beauty in front of my camera lens.

It's been eleven months since I pulled myself out of daily social interaction.  Eleven months ago, I was so grateful for my decision that I didn't look back.  I needed peace.  I was grateful for the peace.  Eleven months of healing, eleven months of  repair...and eleven months later - I am envious of social interaction.

I am grateful today for realizations - of my own, and for my husbands notice that something isn't quite right.  It's time for me to find some solution... Now I need to find a place to start.


Friday, November 11, 2011

Soldier Boy

This is my Grandfather...


...in all of his soldier splendor.  


This is my Grandfather...


...in all of his Grandpa glory.

Today is a day that always makes me mindful of the life he has lived, and the experience he carries on his shoulders.  I am well aware that I am a Canadian because of him, and thousands and thousands of men and women like him, and I am extremely grateful.  Remembrance Day is always for him.  I remember the stories he wouldn't tell, and the ones we assumed from the pictures we found in the metal box in the hall.  I remember the medals that sit tarnishing, never to be displayed.  I remember the sadness in his eyes with every fallen soldier on the news he sits down to watch every night.  Somethings are ever changing, and something things just never change.  My memories are no comparison to his.  For every soldier, and for my grandfather, and my great grandfather before him, here's to you. 







Thursday, November 10, 2011

Continuation of Time

...and it did.  My day, I mean.  It continued on.  It really had no other choice.  The hands on clock refuse to slow no matter any fight, solace or elation. Time will not stand still and wait for anyone to catch up.  It just continues.  Maybe we are made of time.  Time holds everything - and is always forcing forward, and yes, I am grateful.

Remember that time...?

Do we have time...?

Is it time...?

Time out.

Time has taught us everything, gifted us moments, cost us seconds, and offered us lifetimes.  Time is free, be careful how you spend it.




It's fascinating, I think,  how we measure time on a "watch" when we rarely see time pass.




Mocha Love Affair

I am sitting with my hands wrapped around my mocha this morning, and I am so in love.  It's warm, and sweet, and comforting.  Every Friday, a mocha coffee was my treat, I would savor it, and sip it slowly, knowing I couldn't have more for a whole week.  Then, I had one on a Monday.  Then Thursday.  It was happening so often, I didn't know whether I would start my day with one, or top off my lunch with one.  Just two nights ago, I had one while I taught Pathfinders to make necklaces.  It's Thursday morning, and I am happier with every sip.  I know already I will wake up with one tomorrow, and lay on the couch with a second, letting it keep me warm and fulfilled.  It's a love affair, and for all the things I gift to myself, I am every grateful for Mocha.

This morning, quiet in my office with my lovely coffee, I am also grateful for reasonable thought that occurs over time and sleep.  I am quieted this morning, mocha steam drifting out of my favorite Starbucks mug that has become part of me (really I think it's become part of my hand... seems to be part of my palm, I am rarely seen without it during the day).  I know this will not be my only post today, as I have a lot on my mind.  So, I welcome the company of my sweet companion while I spend my day in contemplation and let it sooth my soul and caress my core.


...to be continued... 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Preparation

I spent some time today doing some research in preparation of a "surprise".  The thing is, I found myself more surprised with what I found, and filled with so much respect and pride for my intended recipient.  I found myself engrossed in stories to start with, then another google search - and whala - there is what I needed.  When that information was in front of me, I was not only elated that my own little plan had come together, but I was so fascinated with the dedication and character revealed to me I could barely contain my joy in tears.

I am not sure why the universe has put me on this path, or why I have been directed to these moments, but I sure am grateful.  If you asked me ten years ago if I would have been researching and seeking what I am today, I would have laughed at the thought.  I would have thought it a preposterous waste of time, and carried on without another thought.

This may seem all very vague - it's still pretty stunning, even to me  - but after all, it is meant to be a surprise.  Could it be that the universe crossed two paths, just in time?

Back to planning...Step one, contain my own excitement and curiosity.  Step two...pick a day - sooner than later.  Step three...find an accomplice... hmmmmm...


Well I couldn't very well show you now, could I? 





Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Something's Gotta Give

Days like today at work make me grateful for good days.  They make me grateful for social experience, smiles, conversations worth having, and coming home saying "I had a great day".  This was not my day today, and so, I am grateful for there are better days than this.

I am grateful, at the end of my not so great day, that I came home to my house, where there was my family, and hugs and kisses, and a warm bed awaiting me tonight.

Tomorrow I will start over with a brand new day, and hope it's one of those better days.  Eventually, something's gotta give.



Monday, November 7, 2011

Give it to God

I had a stay at home day today - and for that, alone, I am grateful.  I so wish I could be a stay at home mom.  I stayed home today with a sick little girl, and watched her get better by the hour just from rest and her momma's lovin'.

During her quiet time on the couch, I had the opportunity to read an article in this month's issue of Best Health.  There was a story that touched my soul, and I am grateful for moments of realization.  This story, was about a woman who lived a fast paced life, always go, go go.  She had no outlet for her feelings, and was often drowning them in negative behavior.  She said at one point, she felt as if she was on the "treadmill of life" and was always running - until one day when the treadmill just stopped.  She had just had her second child, and  found a tumor in her breast.  She was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, and was given one year to live.

Refusing to be a 95% percent statistic, she did what she could to be the 5% - a survivor.  She sought out medical treatments to fight the disease, but also sought out methods to learn ways to release the negative in her life she felt was holding onto her illness.  She wanted to be well.  She wanted to be whole.

In her path, she met a psychologist that helped her deal with feelings, burdens, guilts and negativities.  This is the part of the story that touched my soul.  She learned a visualization exercise to use when she began to feel overwhelmed by her feelings.  Her psychologist had her visualize walking down a set of stairs to a place where she was safe, a place she could always return to when life seemed too much.  She saw herself sitting on a dock at her cabin, dangling her feet in the water, with a man sitting beside her.  She told the man she felt burdened by her cancer, and her constant drive for success, and the pain in her life.  As they spoke, he put his hand on her back, and said "this is too much for you to carry, give it to me".  And then he took her bad feelings and grief, and put them in his backpack, and she felt at peace.

I read this with tears in my eyes, and I whispered, "Give it to God".  She (me) didn't always have to be this super-person, always conquering the world on her (my) own.  When you (I) feel like you (I am) are facing a demon head on, and that burden is just too heavy...Give it to the Creator, and be grateful for the option to not carry it alone.

Many years ago, I once heard someone say this of forgiveness.  There are somethings, that we, as humans,  do not have the capacity to forgive - so give it to God, and let him forgive, for we are just human.

I am grateful for the reminder that I will never have to carry a burden alone - no matter the size, no matter the winding road, no matter how steep.  I will give it to God, and replace it with peace.  I am just human, and I believe.



Oh yes! By the way, it's been ten years since her diagnosis.  She is still not entirely cancer free.  She still has two spots, one on a rib, one on her skull, but the cancer that remains has not grown in six years.  She still returns, when she needs to, to her place on the dock, and shares her burdens with a friend. 

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Daner

This is my Daner...


She is one of my very best friends.  She has an ENORMOUS heart, and I am grateful for her.  She makes me laugh, lets me cry ( a lot), and she would give me the shirt off her back if I needed it. (although I would just appreciate her rigging the Expo basket draw so I win it... oh gosh, what if I do win it now... oh lord... )  

Dana's friendship is magnificent in it's simplicity.  She sends me cards so I won't be so terrified to get my mail - and yes, I really am terrified to get my mail.  I carry one of the cards she sent me on the bottom of my purse, and when I am frustrated and on edge, and maybe digging in my purse and see it, I smile.  I like that I can make her laugh, and I miss Brownie camps late at night texting so we wouldn't wake the girls.  I am lucky to have my Daner, and grateful barely cuts it.  



Saturday, November 5, 2011

Elated Exhaustion

My day was exhaustibly wonderful. My house was filled with family and friends, laughter and energy.

I sit, tonight, beside my new Selenite lamp, I am filled with elated exhaustion.  I am grateful for my friends, and for the time I get to spend to with them, even though sometimes it seems fleeting.  I am grateful not only for my own friends, but for my mother's friend who brought her out the house today for a warm cup of tea that was much needed right to her core.

I am grateful for my wonderful Marianne who is sitting with me, still, tonight, sharing tea and stories and just occupying space together.  I am grateful for her talent in constructing beautiful jewelry that allows me to carry the healing power of crystals around with me.  I am just one very happy girl tonight.



I am so grateful for my friendships... and I wish one more were here, closer to me, as close as she is in my thoughts and my heart.  I thought a lot about Shelly today... I think I need to make a road trip...

Friday, November 4, 2011

Wash it Away

There are few things, to me, as therapeutic as a hot shower.  Every single night, I wash away my day, sending the days energy down the drain with the water.

I love the heat of warm water rushing over my skin, and pouring over me.  I love being surrounded by something so cleansing and gentle, yet powerful and pure.  There are days, I could stand under a hot shower just as long as the hot water tank allows.

The shower is healing - physically and emotionally.  It warms my muscles, soothes my skin, and quiets my mind. The shower is a place of solace for me.  It's where I think best, it's where I often just sit on the floor and cry, letting my tears wash down and away from me.  It's quiet there, the rush of the water often drowns out the noise surrounding me, or that has filled my head during the day.

I am so grateful for hot showers, the powerful element of water, and the quiet place that settles me.

And so... I shall.  I shall send it all away down the drain and back to the Earth.  And maybe...raspberry body wash that bubbles...






Thursday, November 3, 2011

Hold the Earth

All day I looked forward to Yoga tonight - a chance for me to be quiet, and just take some time to refocus on me.  It's week two now that I have been going after a conscious decision to remember that I matter too.

As a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, as a friend - I give of myself.  How often do we give back to ourselves? How often do we replenish the energy we have shared or given out?  How often do we remember ourselves?  Shelly's post today made me sit and think for a while.  Her Gratitude post was all about remembering to love herself, and writing herself a love note to remember that she matters, and is worth the most abundant love - her own.  It was a powerful reminder.

I have been through a roller coaster week of emotion, and I think I looked forward to tonight's yoga class because my energy level was on empty.  I expected tonight to hear the instruction of poses, and the reminders to breathe... but tonight, something else stuck out in my head, new words seemed louder than the rest.  "Put your palms down, hold the Earth, feel it ground you."  I remembered to be part of the Earth, and be grounded. Let the Earth swallow up my worries and overflowed emotion, and just be part of the Earth.



"Go ahead," that voice told me, "just go ahead and just be part of the Earth, right here, for this moment, just let nothing else matter for the next 30 seconds."  The 30 seconds after that was even easier.  I could hear Shelly's words in my head... "I love, love, love you", her love letter to herself, like a song in my breath.

Go ahead, just be... and be grateful for yourself.  Stand in the warrior pose when you need to, but hold the Earth  when you can, and just let it ground you.  Be grateful there is always abundant Earth to hold onto, and it's willing to hold your tears, burdens and troubles in return.


Hmmm... Even the Earth cracks open once in a while...



Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Blessings in Disguise

Today was my Grandmother's funeral, not the easiest of days for anyone.  There were tears and stories, tough moments, and over flowing emotions.

Out of every nook and cranny, every door way, left and right, people kept appearing.  These were not just any people.  These were our family, our friends, and our support centers.  I would carefully say, that I enjoyed the small reunion of sorts, and I was reminded, that there are people that will love you, no matter how much time passes, or how far away they are - the love is steady, unconditional, and everlasting.  I saw genuine acts of friendship, and I am so grateful for the friends in my mother's life.  I was elated at their love for her, and so grateful for their hearts.

Among the tears, and difficulty of the day, I will say, with one hundred percent certainty, that I am most grateful for laughter, humor, and the sparkling wit of my Grandfather.  If there was giggling in the quiet - you can be certain he was either very near by, or smack dab in the middle of it.  My grandfather believes in laughter, smiles, and light heartedness - and I am grateful for that trait I carry with me.

...at a quiet cemetary, we stood, circling a my grandmother's resting place.  It was a final goodbye, it was terribly difficult for my parents and for my family members.  In tradition, the funeral processors handed out flowers from the spray to us members attending to lay in her honor.  My grandfather, sensing the difficulty, stood with his rose, looked right across to me where I was standing, lifted his flower to his mouth, and faked taking a huge bite out of it.  He even made himself giggle - and, in turn, made me have to turn around to mask my own laughter.  He shot me a wink, placed his rose on the casket, waited for his children to do the same, took their hands, and walked away.

When all else fails, keep the laughter, and smile through it.  I am grateful he taught me that.  I will carry it with me always.

I so wish I could have snapped a picture with my mind for all of you to see, as I would so like to share a smile that Grandpa shared with me.  But, alas, I could not.



Chin Up... Smile On.  <3



Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A Little Piece of Peace

You know these moments...when you feel like this...?


You know, when just about everything seems exactly right, like moments when the couch is just the right amount of koosh...and your breathing is settling...and you've gotten kisses, and closeness, and you feel just mmmmmmm :)  despite everything going on around you?  Yeah, today is a whole moment of *sigh*, mmmmmmm :).  And I am so grateful for my heart singing.   Mmmmmmmmmmmmhhhhmmmmmmm.